Articles written by: Chester Fields

Combat Zone

If a philosophy conference happens in an empty room, does it make a difference?

This week’s Philosophy Conference is already well under way by the time you’re reading this, and it’s very likely you’re not there. The reason you’re probably not there is simple statistics: Only about 20 people will show up for the two-day event, which features a wide variety of papers written […]

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Security attempts tough love approach

In a heartbreaking scandal that has rocked and shocked the student body at the University of Puget Sound, investigators have uncovered an immense conspiracy that may go all the way up to President Tomald Rhombus himself. Security officials have been charged in a citizen’s write-up, accused of conspiracy, a string […]

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Biology Dept. looks for new funds

Following the success of Dutch entrepreneur Bas Lansdorp, who has attempted to fund a permanent colony on Mars by turning the whole process into a reality television show, the University of Puget Sound’s science departments have turned their whole teaching philosophy upside down. Lansdorp, who began his ascent to fame […]

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Student expelled on plagarism charges: “It just makes me sick”

Junior Nyan Fosling was expelled from the University of Puget Sound earlier this week after a lengthy investigation involving serious allegations of plagiarism, academic dishonesty and intellectual property theft. Reports began as early as six months ago, when a professor anonymously communicated with officials that one of their students was […]

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University attempts to increase abysmal retention numbers

The University of Puget Sound administration has gone to great lengths this last year to update our national image as a prestigious Liberal Arts academy of learning and multicultural awareness. Already, the elimination of that handicapped-accessible ramp behind McIntyre, the proposal to drop the “University of” from our name, and […]

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Marshall mafiosos

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall. “We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished […]

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Students get more boring

For years, experts have warned that video games have a detrimental impact on interpersonal relations. Every study has consistently shown that the earlier children begin playing video games, the fewer sports or after-school activities they will engage in, the fewer close friendships they will form and the more likely their […]

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The Combat Zone officially endorses Jacob Mahoney

The Combat Zone, following this election like an anteater on an ant colony, has officially endorsed Jacob Mahoney as the governor of Washington! I know it’s late in the game to be announcing this kind of thing, but frankly, we just found out about this dude like a week ago. […]

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School to apply PrintGreen lessons elsewhere on campus

PrintGreen is back! The new program from Sustainability Services, which was temporarily disabled in the beginning of the semester, is officially up and running, meaning students are going to have to become much more conscious about the amount of paper they’re using. This has been a controversial program, with admirers […]

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Freshman takes first steps into South Sixth wilderness

Just last week, Elizabeth Queens, 18, a freshman at Puget Sound, made a shocking discovery. Distraught after her fifth break up since registering for classes, she was walking despondently to 7/11 for a cherry slushie, when something amazing happened. “I looked up and realized I had been staring at my […]