Combat Zone

S.U.B. food good

There’s something different about the S.U.B. this year, and it’s not just that the information booth is a big, sexy circle.

“The food’s actually good,” junior Chris Baker said between mouthfuls of orange chicken. “And I’m not even that high right now. The freshmen don’t even know how good they’ve got it.”

It’s true. Across campus, students are taking note: the S.U.B. has stepped up its game. The Pac-Rim station in particular has drawn attention due to the extreme nature of its transformation. Once the university’s premier source of gastrointestinal woe, the Asian Station’s offerings have become suddenly edible, even pleasant. But what is the secret behind the sudden rise in quality?

“It’s all about outsourcing,” said a source within Dining and Conference Services (DCS). “We had to face some hard truths in the last few years. We tried cooking in-house. It was a disaster. Now we leave it to the professionals. For a long time, the policy of the S.U.B. was to provide food that would motivate students to eat elsewhere, stimulating Tacoma’s economy. Now, DCS is bringing outside food to the students.”

The Pac-Rim is now entirely supplied by Scary Luck Dragon, a new Chinese food restaurant on S. 54th, which has garnered rave reviews for it’s diverse range of traditional dishes. The Scary Luck Dragon is run by a charming immigrant couple, the Wangs.

When asked about the difficulties of feeding a ravenous liberal arts campus, Mr. Wang said he’ll, “never run out of cats in Tacoma,” and assured this writer that kitty elbow and chicken wing are nearly indistinguishable in taste.

In addition, there is talk of outsourcing the burrito line to a small community of illegal immigrants located just outside Kent. Full fare, unable to secure a corporate sponsor, recently announced its decision to continue its line of “scoop-and-plop” cuisine, citing its popularity among glassy-eyed automatons. Meanwhile, the Cellar maintains a commitment to quelling the collective munchies of the campus community.

When asked if the Cellar planned on acquiring a sponsor, management said, “The Cellar is too hardcore for the corporate game.”

“We’re proud of our new, higher standards of quality,” DCS’s Diane Ludwig said. “We hope that with this new selection, it will be several months before students begin pushing the limits of decency in their attempts to create foods other than burritos, chicken strips and sandwiches.” Until then, the residents of Puget Sound will take what they can get.