Combat Zone

By Grizz's Toe A leaked internal University report shows that Reverend Dave Wright, University Chaplain, is single-handedly in charge of all campus functions. The report, titled “Dave Can Probably Do That,” gives a detailed outline of the Reverend’s daily tasks, showcasing an impressive work ethic and a schedule that seems to defy time and space.  Wright’s day starts at two o’clock in the morning, where he can be found retreating from the chapel attic to mow and water the University’s lawns. They then move to work in the SUB, cleaning...

By Bean McQueen In a press conference yesterday, the U.S. Government confirmed that the recently downed Chinese spy balloon posed an existential threat to the U.S. of a significance comparable only to nuclear war. The government stated that its weeklong passage over the country should be understood as a “bloodless rampage that simultaneously left property untouched and a death toll nearly above zero.” White House Press Secretary Denai Obfus-Kate, when questioned about what specific qualities made the balloon the most credible threat to U.S. national security in the past two...

By Bean McQueen Newly declassified documents, found in the overhead storage compartment of U.S. President Joe Biden’s preferred Amtrak train car, have confirmed the existence of the “Classified Document Fairy,” so-described as a “mischievous entity that delights in bamboozling high-ranking government officials.” Previously dismissed as one of the more creative excuses in circulation amongst legislative aides who misplaced memos, it would appear that the “Classified Document Fairy” is not only a fixture in our current government, but has been since the Revolutionary War. An unearthed diary maintained by John Adams,...