Combat Zone

Opinion: As a Fundamentalist Pastafarian, I Applaud the Alabama Supreme Court IVF Ruling

By High Priest Mac Farfalle of the Vermicillical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

  Friends, believers, and heathens: rejoice! The Alabama Supreme Court has ruled on the side of the good and just in granting personhood to embryos produced through in-vitro fertilization, and has won the good favor of the Vermicillical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Unlike the mainstream, all but secular Pastafarians – with their loose and liberal interpretations of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – we read His Holy Noodly Word as it was meant to be read: literally. Our Divine, Saucy Father did not painstakingly choose and dictate every word of the Gospel to Prophet Henderson for us to besmirch it with our own fanciful literary analysis and newfangled ideas, which is why we are so heartened by the recent ruling from the Alabama Supreme Court. We believe, in accordance with this Gospel, that meatballs are children. Every human being begins as a meatball (or what scientists would have you believe are “embryos”) and this ruling is the first step to codifying the personhood of every meatball.

  The heathens reading this are likely rolling their eyes… perhaps even snickering and showing this to their pagan comrades-in-sin. Good! The sooner you learn the Holy Noodly Word, the sooner your soul will be saved from the clutches of eternal gluten-free damnation. Moreover, we will need all of the support we can muster to advance our cause. Embryos are meatballs, and therefore deserving of personhood, but what of the other meatballs? The meatballs who are barbarically slaughtered, sautéed, and served slathered in sauce to cannibals at restaurants across the U.S.? It is nauseating to think about, even more horrifying to see: our children are being EATEN, and this is commonplace!

  Ordinarily, I would not go to such great lengths to persuade non-believers. We do not need heretic snarkiness, nor would your disbelief matter. We know the true nature of reality: it was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. How do we know this? We know this because the Flying Spaghetti Monster delivered the Holy Noodly Word — upon which the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is based — and the Gospel describes the true nature of reality. But in the face of such inspaghetti, such boiled barbarity, you are directly condoning the mass slaughter and consumption of children with your continued heresy. I urge you: read the Word. Let our Divine Saucy Father wrap his protective noodly appendages around your soul, and when you are touched by the Spirit of the Colander – the Holey Ghost – you will believe.

  And when you believe, you will join our Carbohydrate Crusade. We will ensure that the personhood of all meatballs is legally codified, and we will wage holy war on every major Italian-American restaurant chain if we must. Already, my acolytes have been dispatched to firebomb the local Olive Garden. Not only are they murderers and heretics, but they plagiarized our slogan. That’s right, the official slogan of the Vermicillical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is: “When you’re here, you’re family. Family held together by the divine noodles of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, because marinara sauce is thicker than water.” Due to the exorbitant printing costs associated with a long slogan like this one, we will also accept donations to the Church in lieu of your participation in firebombing your local Olive Garden.