Combat Zone

Local Middle-Aged Man Predicted to Win Presidency

The next president of the Unites States, local middle fifty-year-old James. Photo Credit: Pixabay

  Our analysts at the Combat Zone have recently projected that in the 2024 election, a local fifty-year-old man, James, will win the presidential bid against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Even though James did not announce that he was running in the election or showed any interest in running he is still the preferred candidate for a majority of American voters.

  James was born in Tacoma, Washington to a middle-class family that supported his interests as a child within their means, enabling James to pursue those interests to the full extent. James currently works as a foreman for the International Longshore and Warehouse Union. Unlike Trump, his parents were not wealthy socialites in New York City. Rather his father worked as a longshoreman and was a member of the union, and his mother worked in the service industry. James’s humble roots in the local economy help contribute to his direct relationship with both voters in Tacoma and voters across the nation. 

  We tried to contact James’s campaign office, but we couldn’t find a number. It would seem that they are too hard at work campaigning for this budding politician to accept our call which is understandable; James has some tough competition against two established politicians.

  The public’s main drive for electing James is his age. When put into comparison with both other candidates, he is very young. As the main criticism of both Trump and Biden is that they are too old to competently run the nation, James shines through at an almost infantile age (in U.S. politics) at fifty years old. 

  On major issues, James’s positions seem radical when compared to the positions held by those currently in power in our current political system. Although we were unable to reach his campaign office we were able to reach him through his personal cell phone number. At first, James was confused as to why we were calling him about his presidential run, stating “What are you talking about?” until we reframed the questions towards what issues he cared about. 

  We asked for his opinion on many of the political issues of today. On the subject of abortion, he supports its immediate executive codification. On the subject of taxes, he supported heavy taxes on the rich and distribution to the lower class, again through executive action.

  James’s union background is very influential in his politics with many of his political opinions stemming from a labor-centered position. Neither party’s politician fully represents the interests of the working class quite like James does. This of course has drawn ire from large corporations that seek to prevent James from coming into power and disrupting their monopoly over labor power. In the past two weeks alone there have been seven attempts on James’s life coming from big businesses. When called again for a comment on the attempts on his life, James said “Why are people trying to kill me?” and  “I’m not even running for president!” This seems to be a way for James to avoid the spotlight and the problems that come with it, but through extensive polling, we have seen that James is the most preferred candidate in the race. 

  The 2024 election is right around the corner and James from Tacoma is pulling ahead in all metrics. With Trump being in his late seventies and Biden being in his early eighties it seems that the best course of action for the nation is to elect James at the youthful age of fifty. James has in fact filed a restraining order against any reporters from the Combat Zone, but our dedicated journalists will stay hard at work to keep our dear readers updated on the  most promising candidate.