Combat Zone

 Frosty Temperatures Spark Campus Controversy

Totally accurate representation of the climate of campus. Photo credit: Joe Mabel / Wikimedia Commons

By Erin Hurley

  As many Loggers will remember, last week’s chilly weather brought a bit of frost to the luscious grass across campus. As you strolled through soggy North Quad, the crunch and squish and shhhkkkkk of shoes on the icy blades might evoke fond memories of winter mornings, shoveling snow before your dad yelled at you to go faster. Perhaps not fond memories…but memories nonetheless. Some Loggers, however, were not filled with sweet nostalgia. Oh no, not at all. In fact, screams were heard radiating from Todd-Phibbs as California natives realized their new home was actually cold. An RA reported two freshmen making snow angels in the frosty grass before their 9 a.m. class. Security Services was called when one Los Angeles native got their tongue stuck to the icy ground. Why were they licking the pavement? They’re from L.A.

  Grace Farrell hails from sunny, warm, Campbell, California. Campbell boasts an average yearly high temperature of 73.25 degrees – warmer than 80% of the year up here in Tacoma. Farrell explains that she felt “so confident” in her handling of chillier climates, but oh boy, was she proven wrong. She confesses that she had to ask her mom to send up a heavier coat in the mail *shudder*. Farrell feels ashamed of herself, especially as she is met by sighs of disappointment from her “penguins of friends.” Secretly, though, she is expectantly awaiting the arrival of a package of long underwear, a fleece, and five Norwegian wool sweaters. “Gifts from the promised land,” she says, while looking hopefully off into the distance.

  Lila Wright, an Ohioan, expressed their utter disdain at the wimpy nature of Californians’ cold weather tolerance. “I just can’t wait to see the reaction when the temperature dips below 40,” they spat. Wright also bragged about how they only wear two layers each day: “A t-shirt and a light puffer suit me best in these mild conditions.” Additionally, they keep their window open 24 hours a day for the mere reason of crisp, fresh air. “It also brings some warm feelings of home,” they admitted. “When I feel the air on my face, I’m just like ahh,” they recollect. Wright admits that their Californian friends complain of the “blizzard” temperatures and must stock up on blankets before entering their “tundra.”

  In addition to a plethora of student complaints echoing through dorms, the Freshman Parents Facebook page has erupted into chaos. It seems as if Californian, Hawaiian, and Arizonan parents have had enough. While parent mediators from Utah and Colorado have been appointed, the situation has escalated to full-blown ALL CAPS posts on the outdated website. Parents from particularly frigid states, like Minnesota and Maine, are furious at the “AUDACITY OF THESE WEST COAST LIZARDS.” As of present, it is unsure if “lizards” is meant as a derogatory term for sun-enjoyers or a reference to the vast number of cold-blooded reptiles present in the western United States. Alaskan parents, who come from the state with the coldest average temperatures, have decided to stay out of the ordeal altogether. “It’s ridiculous,” one anonymous parent said. “Washington experiences very hot temperatures, and I am frankly worried about my child melting in the desert down there.”

  Parents of both sides have called on the University to resolve the issue. The most popular solution is the building of a massive, glass dome that will encompass the entire campus. The structure would likely resemble that of Sandy Cheeks’ home from the hit TV series “Spongebob Squarepants”. Representatives from the University have declined to comment on this resolution, but an anonymous source has reported that the University is looking into estimates for the project. One economics major estimated the dome would increase tuition by a whopping 4%; is the promise of a constant 72-degree paradise worth this cost? That remains to be seen in the upcoming developments.