By Ishaan al-Ghaib
Unsurprising to nearly everyone on campus, the recent endowment breakdown provided by the Puget Sound administration contained no information whatsoever. Our own compositional analysis further confirmed that any traces of substance were likely contaminants, as the administration is concurrently handling the substantial gentrification of the SUB. However, this email is still in contention for the title of “Most Meaningless Public Broadcast of the Year,” alongside @upsmissedconnections’s posts praising the music tastes of Divs and Opp employees, and all of Joe Biden’s condemnations of Benjamin Netanyahu. Hence, our investigative journalist team took it upon themselves to find an actual breakdown of the University of Puget Sound’s endowment. After being stonewalled for nearly two weeks by “let’s touch base some other time,” “why don’t we circle back to this in the future,” and “if you keep emailing us, we’ll cut off Divs’s lavender syrup supply,” our team eventually broke into Jones and obtained the information themselves. Finding the endowment records was surprisingly easy, they were left on a desk in a folder labeled “TOP SECRET ENDOWMENT BREAKDOWN: DO NOT LEAVE ON DESK.”
As recorded, here is the breakdown of where Puget Sound invests its $450 million:
- 5% in the S&P 500
- 3% in the NASDAQ
- 8% in AIrtist, a consulting firm that produces AI art and has led to the elimination of graphic design positions at 63 companies.
- 14% in Acquisition Strategic Services (ASS), a shell corporation that buys undervalued properties in poor neighborhoods and sells them to Amazon.
- 23% in Hack Hack Chop Chop and Co., a logging company that operates primarily in South America, supplying wood to both the Board of Trustees and for campus renovations.
- 20% in LabraLabor, a manufacturing company that relies primarily on puppy slave labor to power their factories.
- 15% in Moldy Media, a PR firm that specializes in subliminal ad campaigns persuading college students that there is no mold infestation pervading their campus, just water damage.
- 12% in Brick & Associates, a hedge fund that only employs Puget Sound graduates who couldn’t find jobs anywhere else, to keep the alumni numbers up.
None of these investments are technically in the fossil fuel sector, which means that all of them are in accordance with the Fossil Fuel Free Investment Policy, which is the extent to which the endowment email can be considered credible. Furthermore, the projected returns of these investments should be sufficient to offset the need for tuition hikes – LabraLabor in particular will generate around $100 million in revenue by 2028. Upon discovering this, our investigative team reached out again to the administration. In response to their queries about the reason behind the tuition hike, each member of the team woke up to “STOP ASKING QUESTIONS WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE” carved into their doors.