Combat Zone

As you can probably tell, we’re pretty excited here at The Flail for what promises to be the Best Finals Week Ever. Finals week is not only a prime opportunity to demonstrate the much-sought after ability to put 25-page papers off until the last minute, it’s also a perfect time for pranks, like hiding your roommate’s final project in the Chamber of Secrets in the women’s bathroom of Howarth. He really shouldn’t have eaten your cheese puffs that one time. The university has long since given up using finals week...

After a long and heated conversation with my parents last Friday, I concluded that, when you really consider my actions, I am in no way an adult capable of being responsible about mostly anything. While I understand that legally I am technically an adult because I have experienced my 18th birthday, lived on my own and can buy my own alcohol, I believe these are just a few of the accomplishments a person must achieve to be a productive and effective citizen in society. For example, in addition to the...

This past Saturday a dance was hosted by the school for the enjoyment and merriment of all involved. However, some students were less than thrilled with the theming of the event. “I just think it touches on feelings and wounds that aren’t quite healed yet,” an anonymous freshman said. Another student was quoted as saying, “So many people lost their lives to this horrible tragedy, it’s not right to use their memory as an excuse to get drunk and hook-up!” The dance has indeed formed somewhat of a schism on...

In a stroke of marketing genius, Dodger Blatheramm, Head of Public Relations, decided to relocate the Point Defiance Zoo Exhibit to the Music Building in order “to bring attention to the wildly diverse student body we have here on campus” and “to really show students that we’re committed to ‘Living Green.’ What’s more green than letting the flora and fauna we borrowed from the zoo have a new life in the practice rooms?” Not all are very pleased about the changes. Director of bands Marshal Gard was heard to have...

A couple of weeks ago, two squirrels ransacked a house full of English majors who, for all their knowledge of obscure Renaissance vocabulary, simply could not reason with the little devils. “I opened the door one afternoon after I got out of class and found them just sitting on my doorstep. I tried to say hello to them and offer some Earl Grey like any respectable man of literature but they just ran between my legs and started chewing on all of our books. ‘How rude!’ I thought. It was...

In a spooky revelation that has shocked the campus community, sources have finally confirmed that the fabled ghost of Wyatt is actually pale student Jessica Walters. The announcement came after a three year study that followed the ghost during her time in Wyatt, noting its location, habits and the occasional small banter with other classmates. “At first we thought that there actually was a ghost in Wyatt. The ghost had class from 8-12, then would disappear, and come back for gender studies from 1-2. Once we started recognizing these patterns...

Most students who visit here, the author included, are taken aback by the great effort that goes into the upkeep of the grounds here at Puget Sound. Indeed, even now after being here a few years, I still find myself marveling at our lush fields of evenly cut grass and perfectly manicured pines. Unfortunately for our grounds keepers and the school treasury, this was not the case with one Johan Dietrich, a prospective student who toured campus earlier this week. Johan Dietrich, a prospective student from Middledale High School in...

Henry Bishonen, once a super cute freshman by all accounts, has been acting rather strangely of late. Whenever a girl smiles or waves at him during class, he lets out an exasperated gasp as his nose unleashes an epic stream of blood. Then he runs out of the room screaming what sounds like, “Hazukashii!!!” The word, meaning “shame or embarrassment” in Japanese, really should not be part of his vocabulary, considering the fact that he’d never spoken a lick of Japanese in his life prior to this last week. He...

Ida Dunn-Moore needs to step up her coffee game. Everyone is thankful for the space she provides, but the quality of the coffee is inconsistent. Sure, its fun to hang out with her, but she doesn’t own 20 different flavors of syrup, she can’t grind her own espresso, pull a shot, foam milk and mix drinks, all while juggling 10 other tasks in the busiest coffee shop on campus. I mean, really, she’s not even a coffee shop! I’ve had a lot of good coffee. Unfortunately, I can count on...

After several hours of grueling Flail meetings and multiple rejected drafts on countless topics, this reporter decided last Sunday that everything currently happening on campus is simply too sensitive to productively satirize. While satire can often be used to call out flaws with the status quo, poke holes in an argument and even make an interesting and thought-provoking comment on current affairs, the issues currently facing the University of Fuggit Noise are emotionally charged, difficult and generally should not be discussed in the fake news section of the student newspaper...