Combat Zone

Lice epidemic kills

The University administrative mission to combat Pediculosis in one residence hall and an unnamed Greek house is already facing questions about the serious health risks residents will encounter by living at the epicenter of the deadly outbreak. According to our sources at Wikipedia, Pediculosis is an infestation of lice.  Lice are “blood-feeding insects of the order Phthiraptera.” Wikipedia did not mention how to pronounce “Phthiraptera.”

An unnamed source at an unnamed sorority said, “If anyone gives me lice, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not going to shave my head. Do you have to shave your head? I’m not allowed to talk about this. Seriously, don’t tell anyone. No one can know that the sorority I’m a part of, which I’m not going to name, has lice.”

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) is apparently utterly uninterested in combatting the pediculosis problem at the University. Residents of West Africa have complained about having a similar problem with the CDC. The organization has responded to vitriolic allegations on Twitter, saying, “We understand the fear surrounding this issue, but rest assured, the CDC is doing everything we can to combat various outbreaks around the world. We stand with #ups and #africa #ebolasucks #licesucks.”

Unfortunately, their statement was not well received by the public. It was not received at all, actually, because it exceeded the Twitter post limit of 140 characters and therefore was unable to be posted. We asked the CDC to elaborate on their position in a more traditional phone interview.

“We get that everyone is freaking out, but we’re more concerned about our Klout score at this point in time,” a representative said.

Suggestions for Pediculosis prevention:

• don’t share clothes or hats

• don’t wear hats (most people cannot pull off hats)

• burn all clothes

• burn all bedding

• shave your head (not so you don’t get lice, but so you look hip)

If your head is itching as you read this, you might have lice. You probably don’t, but really, it’s not impossible. It’s going to happen to someone, so why wouldn’t it happen to you? Are you special? No, you’re not.