As freshman, we had about 10 days of blissful peace. Then the rest of you showed up. I thought I’d compile a list of some of the interesting things I noticed about our dear, dear upperclassmen, because you yourselves are probably far too high to make observations on any scale less than the cosmic. Throw on your prescription-less glasses and buckle up those tight ass jeans, because we’re off: 1.) You don’t want us freshmen guys at your parties. It’s cool. We get it. We have our own parties anyway....

After three weeks into the semester, visiting professor Robin Hopkins has yet to distribute the syllabus for his Anthropology 250 course. While there has been some growing concern in the Dean’s office that perhaps the class is being mismanaged, Hopkins denies there is reason for such concern. “How the hell am I supposed to know what anthropology is? I’m doing the best I can here,” said Prof. Hopkins in an interview. “Even Wikipedia doesn’t have a damn clue.” So far, the class has consisted of screening several Will Smith movies....

The network LoggerLeaks has just revealed to the press audio files containing what analysts believe to be a conference between University President Ronald Thomas, Dean of Students Mike Segawa and at least two other school officials. The conference seems to be  centered on plans for moving the entire campus “closer to the real world that most people actually live in.” The following is a partial transcript of that conference: RONTHOM: All right, all right, settle down. We’ve got a lot to discuss. SEGAWA: Can I propose something? Any students that...

Dear Puget Sound Students, Halloween is almost here once more, and with it comes opportunities for fun and temptations that must be avoided.  As the zombie President of this fine university, I have fleshed out a sapid list of delectable tips that might satiate your hunger for Halloween advice. We have a diverse and scrumptious student body with some of the best brains in the Northwest, and I know that you will all be respectful to each other on this most piquant of holidays. Nonetheless, I hope you carve a...

ARIES: You keep tripping on things today: your thoughts, your words, the dead cat in the Wyatt staircase. Take the road more traveled—it’s better paved. TAURUS: You know the statistic that flying is safer than driving. Thank God, or you might be panicking about that engine falling off. GEMINI: Red is your color today. Someone with a sideways hat is going to walk up to you, and he’ll nod. This is your signal to get the cash out, in your right hand. You’ll want to enter a ‘bro hug’ with...

Dear Sexile Expert, My roommate seems upset with me when I text her about staying away for a while so I can screw her ex-boyfriend. I think she’s angry because it’s always a text, instead of something more engaging and fun. What should I do? From, Hapless in Harrington Perceptive, Hapless, very perceptive. Texts suck. That’s why my roommate and I have established an extensive network of specially bred messenger pigeons. Anywhere on campus, they can find me simply by tracking my unique aura of desperate loneliness. It’s sweet! There’s...

Dear Vonnie, I get sexiled nightly. Being a freshman, I don’t have homework or friends, so I don’t know what to do with the time. I’ve tried wandering around campus, but after completing 20 laps of campus in an hour, I got tired of it. Suggestions? From, Lost Frosh   Dear Frosh, When you’re bored, your exile seems to drag on longer than the Dalai Lama’s. The S.U.B. and the cafés are closed, you’re too self-conscious to sit alone in the Cellar for hours on end, and Tacoma is…Tacoma. It...