ARIES: You keep tripping on things today: your thoughts, your words, the dead cat in the Wyatt staircase. Take the road more traveled—it’s better paved.
TAURUS: You know the statistic that flying is safer than driving. Thank God, or you might be panicking about that engine falling off.
GEMINI: Red is your color today. Someone with a sideways hat is going to walk up to you, and he’ll nod. This is your signal to get the cash out, in your right hand. You’ll want to enter a ‘bro hug’ with him, right hand to right hand. Take the baggie he gives you, stealthily, while letting him take the money. Part ways but don’t look back. Welcome to the Bloods, Gemini.
CANCER: Your old college roommate will call, wondering if you want to go out Friday and relive school. He’ll bring the Playstation if you’ll bring the loneliness, frustration and female repellant.
LEO: You will get absolutely hammered this weekend, but thankfully it will be with a plastic mallet. That could have been dangerous.
VIRGO: Ask questions today. You are inquisitive, and you know it. You’ve always wondered about the gender of the kid in your Psych class, and today is the day to ask her/him/it/them!
LIBRA: The world is out to get you. If the voices in your head are echoing are a similar sentiment, well, now you pretty much have to believe it.
SCORPIO: You always thought your sign was dumb, but you’ll change your tune when you realize you’re immune to scorpion venom.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you need to move, because trains are deceptively fast.
CAPRICORN: You were going to check out the Kings of Leon concert tomorrow. Thankfully, a painful blow to your head will give you some taste in music first.
AQUARIUS: Horus is in Neptune house. But Neptune is in the driveway. Take the initiative to tell that dumbass Horus to get out of there before Neptune catches him stealing the T.V.
PISCES: Water is your element this week, one of flexibility and quiet strength. So keep your chin up. Until you do, girls will keep on slapping you for staring.
