Aries
You will need to print 300 pages directly before an 11 a.m. class. Your fiery energy will lead you to knock over five first-years on your hustle to the Library Commons printers. Their parents will sue. You will have to pay their tuition.
Taurus
Tap into your musical energy. Bring your ukulele to the Wyatt printers and do a cover of “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train. Embody Christina Aguilera on the line, “Well you can cut a rug, watching you’s the only drug I need.” The printer will write and print your paper for you.
Gemini
You will attempt to print an assignment in Todd/Phibbs that is 40 percent of your grade. This printer will instead print the captions of your finsta (feet Instagram) and send them to your mom. Your competing Gemini energies will lead to this academic/personal confluence.
Cancer
An artistic aura will enter your life this week. You will try to print before a class and it will not work. Instead, turn in the printer. Sometimes the tools of production are more valuable than what they are supposed to produce.
Leo
You will drink 18 cups of coffee before sprinting from Jones Circle to the third floor of McIntyre. Your heart will become an internal strobe light. Logging on will take forever so you will let out many hefty sighs. Be warned! Your sighs will be so obnoxious that you will be expelled.
Virgo
Spend time manifesting positive energy this week. These positive vibes will lead the Diversions printer to work on your first attempt.
Libra
You will feel like a Library Commons printer during midterms: ink cartridge low and paper tray empty. Do not let this discourage you; sometimes we experience deep lows before our biggest highs.
Scorpio
A surge of independence will strike you this week. Buy your own printer and promise to do a one-person, acapella rendition of “High School Musical” each time someone uses it. This way, you will be able to charge students $300 per print. You will pay your tuition this way.
Sagittarius
This week will greet you with turbulent energy. When you walk past the Oppenheimer “staff only” printer it will burst into flames. Sometimes the world cannot handle your passion.
Capricorn
You will arrive at the Wyatt computers 30 minutes before your class. You will try to log on, but three people enter the room crying because they’ve tried to print everywhere else on campus and it hasn’t worked. You will spend the entire half hour comforting them and thus forget to print your paper.
Aquarius
Linger by the Weyerhaeuser fourth-floor printer this week. A love poem with your name on it may print in your presence.
Pisces
You try logging onto five computers in the Thompson computer lab. You start playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” to ease your nerves. The combination of printer anxiety and “Landslide” makes you cry. As you cry, the computer begins working and your paper miraculously prints. However, because you’re a water sign, the tears make the ink run and you can’t turn it in.
