Combat Zone

April Horoscopes

ARIES – You’re getting a lot of flac this month for things you had nothing to do with. Your shoes getting dirt all over the carpet? Your ‘violent outburst’ disrupting class? Your foot going through that glass door? You can’t control everything, Aries. Leave “your” problems for someone else to deal with.


TAURUS – A sweet taste in your mouth in the middle of the month will trigger a memory from long ago. It all comes rushing back–the abandoned Jell-O factory, the enormous vat of bubbling… Oh god, your entire boy scout troop! Their cries, fading into lime green! Please, stay away from Jell-O this month, Taurus. Some memories are suppressed for a reason.


GEMINI – Changes are afoot on your feet this month, as you notice they suddenly retain water, like sponges. On their tops, a brittle green fuzz grows—the perfect texture for getting at those difficult corners in the casserole dish. Yes, your short quest for life’s meaning is over, Gemini: your sponge-feet are a sign. You need never pilgrimage to the River Jordan, the Ganges or even beyond the kitchen—the sink is your Mecca.


CANCER – Around the 20th you will find yourself humming a song unlike anything you’ve ever heard, but you have no idea what it’s from. It stirs joy, grief, nausea, anger and heartbreak within you. You wonder about it for days, its tones cycling continuously through your head like a haunting, endless dream. Stop it, Cancer. Just stop it right now. It’s Enya.


LEO – A million centuries ago, before your mother was born (but after your brother was born) a small golden wasp landed upon a praying shaman’s forehead. “Get the fuck off,” said the Shaman, swatting at the winged magi. The wasp stung the Shaman in the forehead and buzzed to the ground, dead. The shaman, who was allergic, had a reaction and his brain fluids burst out of his ears. It is from this fluid, now popularly known as “brandy,” that you must drink to achieve enlightenment.


VIRGO – This month your life becomes doubly exciting as a chance encounter in a shopping mall leads you to find your long-lost twin from whom you were separated at birth. You will quickly move in together, along with your adopted parents. Amusing problems will arise, in seemingly endless succession, due to your identical appearance, quirky neighbors and your mutual passion for 1990s R&B music.


LIBRA – You feel intellectually insecure and apathetic this month as your classes become more and more demanding. It is best to be conscious of the possibility that the depths of knowledge and potential you have always dreamed of harnessing have been long worn away by years of internet use. Blog angrily about the failures of the university and America to understand the needs of your generation, then edit the Wikipedia page for “pretzel” while eating pretzels.


SCORPIO – Get ready, Scorpio, for a new opportunity will soon present itself from an unexpected source. Puffy-cheeked and in a checkered suit, he will claim to be your “Uncle Bambino” and tell you that he has “the magic touch.” Despite what your deepest instincts may be telling you—no matter how strongly the smell of mustard radiates from his every pore—you can be sure that this man is trustworthy. Still, probably don’t let him touch you, though.


SAGGITARIUS – While you’ve been taking walks in the park, wondering if there will ever be an end to the monotony of your soul-crushing loneliness, you have inadvertently attracted a few admirers. You may feel flattered or even panicked by the sudden attention. But do not fret, this flock of admirers is more specifically interested in the saltines in your pocket. Sprinkle the crumbs on the ground and watch the gang of pigeons devour the last morsels of your self-worth! Birdieesss!


CAPRICORN – Without explanation, your classmates will begin to call you by the unfortunate and hurtful nickname “Bubbleneck.” It is wise to calmly embark on a violent vendetta against each and every person to utter that name. As someone’s evil stepsister once said, “revenge is the best medicine”—and considering your impending neck-goiter removal surgery, you will need it.


AQUARIUS – You are experiencing difficulty communicating with classmates and teachers this month. Words seem to have lost meaning, interactions are repetitive and mundane, you can hardly form a single coherent thought, especially every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 11 a.m. to 12:20 p.m. Practice peaceful meditation to open psychic channels with others, or just try opening your Spanish book for once.


PISCES – A lamentable lapse in logic leaves you with a prized Lhasa Apso lolling on your lap. The little brute has angelic, flowing hair that makes yours seem dull and scraggly by comparison, and she’s getting all the attention. Spend the next years of your life grooming, training and preening yourself to win first place in the Westminster Dog Show. Yes, that will show them – that will show everyone!