Combat Zone

Finals are here!

As you can probably tell, we’re pretty excited here at The Flail for what promises to be the Best Finals Week Ever.
Finals week is not only a prime opportunity to demonstrate the much-sought after ability to put 25-page papers off until the last minute, it’s also a perfect time for pranks, like hiding your roommate’s final project in the Chamber of Secrets in the women’s bathroom of Howarth.
He really shouldn’t have eaten your cheese puffs that one time.
The university has long since given up using finals week for anything school-related, and has instead launched a week-long celebration of what students will be doing anyways: eating, partying and napping in public places.
Even Ballin’ Memorial Library has joined the festivities, and is offering students several new events to attend. In addition to 24-hour library, Ballin’ is also putting on a Naked 5K.
Library representative Sandra Bullock said, “We’re trying to curtail the naked streaking and also free up space in the library for students who actually want to study instead of taking a nap. The Naked 5K is designed to promote community awareness of public spaces and to give students the opportunity to make themselves at home in the library.”
“…by not wearing pants and running around yelling at the top of their lungs?”
Bullock nodded enthusiastically. “Why do what you were going to do at home anyways when you can run around naked with friends in the library? We’re also planning on letting students build forts out of the government periodicals.”
“Forts are sacred,” I affirmed.
“Indeed.”
Next up is the De-stress Fest, which will be set up in the Rotunda.
Traditionally, the De-stress Fest has included free cookies, free massages from random people you’ve never met before and coloring with crayons.
AWUTUPS De-Stress Fest coordinator, Sub Lime, said, “This year is going to be different. We used to bring puppies and bunnies to campus for students to pet; now we’re going to let students sic the animals on their least favorite teacher!”
The event seems to be a rather anti-climatic way to resolve all the passive-aggressive tensions between faculty and students.
Personally, I plan on bringing the animals to the Naked 5K and putting a video of it on YouTube, because there’s nothing the internet loves more than cute animals and naked people.
Unfortunately, the final event, “Pie a Pi Chi” (PX) has been cancelled due to the large turnout of the Tacoma Cannibals Club (TCC), who thought that they were going to be able to actually bake sorority gals in a puffed pastry dish and eat them.

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