Combat Zone

COUNTING BRICKS: Puget Sound employee Gordon Shumway can’t remember where he left off.
Combat Zone

Campus brick counter loses count, forced to start all over

Last Tuesday night, the official Puget Sound Brick Counter lost count after five years of counting the bricks on every building on campus. The employee, Gordon Shumway, was originally hired by the Puget Sound Admissions Office to gather data about the campus community for use in its award-winning informational pamphlets. […]

Ask the Love Attorney
Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

DEAR LOVE ATTORNEY: When I asked my friend how to win the affections of my beloved, she told me that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Let me assure you – I am nothing if not an impatient woman with a sharp set of knives. Trusting […]

Ask the Love Attorney
Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

DEAR LOVE ATTORNEY: I have met a guy who puts the light in my life. His name is Edward, and he is beautiful, charming, elegant, heroic, ambitious, and most of all, he loves and protects me. We began our affair in 2005 and I only recently found out that Edward […]

FACULTY POSSIBILITIES: Koko the gorilla is under consideration for a distinguished position at the new school.
Combat Zone

Board OKs School of Mad Science

In a meeting last week, the Board of Directors voted that the planned Department of Health Sciences will include a School of Mad Sciences. The decision was reached after Dr. Walter Von Fitzbeatnick, recently appointed to the board, rolled his ThoughtProcessor 3000 to the middle of the conference room, told […]

Gingers spark “Red Scare”
Combat Zone

Gingers spark “Red Scare”

Students and staff of Puget Sound are breaking out their tinfoil hats and preparing for defense, for at all times one of two things is probably true: they are in close proximity with a redheaded individual, or themselves bear the mark of fear. As the university becomes progressively more distinguished […]

Panic on campus: chaos ensues after the football team wins their first game of the season against Pacific University, signaling the apocalypse and the ruin of all mankind.
Combat Zone

Logger Football victory final sign of apocalypse

In the celestial stables, everyone is in a state of commotion. Swords are sharpened, horseshoes fitted, and trumpets tuned. The archangels and riders are all gearing up for the big show: the Apocalypse. Pestilence, the rider of the white horse, looks down upon the Earth and sighs. “You never think […]

Combat Zone

Weekly Horoscopes

Libra:  Sep 23 – Oct 22 Try something new in the bedroom this week. Perhaps a Johnny Depp poster. Scorpio:  Oct 23 – Nov 21 Be aware of your enemies’ weaknesses. Pour milk into the vents of your ex’s lactose intolerant Honda, then watch as it plagues him with engine […]

Ask the Love Attorney
Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

DEAR LOVE ATTORNEY: I have married a woman—Let us call her Ms. Haze, she was my landlord of sorts, but I do not love her. No! I am only using her, in order that I may be closer to the nymphet of her daughter; let us call her Lolita. Lolita […]

Combat Zone

Democrats aim to replace gay ban with gay band

After Senate Republicans on Tuesday blocked the legislation that would have repealed the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law in the military, Democrats are now scrambling to introduce a new bill which they hope will be met with greater success. “The idea of lifting the gay ban was unpopular with the […]

James Joyce: author of Ulysses and Sir Thornbladderly look-alike.
Combat Zone

Explorer Hunts Freshman

Sir Reginald Thornbladderly, III, a world-famous hunter and facial-hair enthusiast, was arrested for the shooting of 17 freshmen leaving a party last Friday. Sir Thornbladderly, a near-sighted, mustachioed man with an odd resemblance to author James Joyce, claims that the shooting was a simple case of mistaken identity. “I meant […]