As the water in the Jones Circle fountain and the Harry L. Brown Family Courtyard turns an ominous shade of green, religious leaders and environmental activists across the nation are applauding God’s efforts to become more sustainable with this year’s onslaught of Passover-themed plagues and fearsome wrath.
“When God turned the Egyptian’s water into blood in the Bible, dozens of activists at the time cried foul,” Puget Sound head of Sustainability and End-of-Days Affairs Eddie Struth said. “Blood, as we know, contains massive amounts of iron which can have negative long-term effect on our environment. We applaud God’s use of what appears to be some sort of neon toxic green dye, which will probably not do anything too bad to fishes or anything.”
Struth predicts that this is only the first of what may very likely be ten environmentally conscious plagues, set to coincide with the celebration of Passover this year.
“I am fully expecting a torrent of sustainable and biodegradable frogs to rain down from the sky tomorrow,” Struth said. “And of course, the plague of darkness would make perfect sense from a green perspective. Who needs all those lights on?”
Although most students on campus are in relatively high spirits in lieu of their impending demise, some are voicing concern over what the tenth and final plague might be.
“I’m the oldest of three sisters,” Puget Sound junior Stephanie Liztrou said, calmly updating her Cascade student account with information regarding her living will. “Since I’m the first born, that means I don’t got much of a chance. I saw the ‘Ten Plagues’ movie. I know how this works.”
While many environmental studies students on campus share the concern, they all agree that a barrage of deaths would dramatically decrease CO2 emissions.
(Above top/bottom: The Jones Circle fountain/Harry L. Brown Family Courtyard fountain )
[PHOTO COURTESY / DAVID COHN]