Combat Zone

Gorilla warfare must be stopped

In 1987, the long-imprisoned dissident and philosopher Koko the Gorilla used a series of images on his touch screen computer to ponder, “It is man who maketh war—not gorillas.” In homage to this sentiment, Puget Sound’s PETA student group calls for a permanent and unyielding end to all American involvement in gorilla warfare throughout the world. Although gorillas are remarkably intelligent animals that mate for life and adhere to complex, hierarchical codes of social conduct, they are no threat to our national security. Defense Secretary Gates – What gives?

Gorilla warfare is one of the most inhumane forms of warfare still practiced in the world today. Human forces enjoy the tremendous advantage of fully developed frontal cortexes and language systems. Furthermore, they have access to thousands of years of knowledge concerning industrialization, military tactics and weapons technology.

It’s really no wonder gorillas are left to beat their chests angrily while throwing their feces into the darkening cloud of oncoming bullets. If put in their place, I’d probably do the same. Accurate figures pertaining to the number of deaths in these gorilla wars are difficult to obtain due to biases in the U.S. military’s reporting procedures. Dead gorillas, or “DK’s” as they are so callously referred to in the field, are often classified as “orangutans” or “big-ish monkies” to suppress knowledge of the terrors known within the world’s canopies

Baby gorillas separated from their mothers are immediately shipped off to the U.S., future victims of our nation’s ever-worsening addiction to zoos and zoo culture.

Why the senseless violence? Because they eat too many of our bananas? Because they’ve got toothier smiles than us? Or maybe instead we suffer from gorilla-envy, playing out our deepest insecurities on the battlefield instead of through reasonable conversation and understanding. I for one can’t rest until I know the U.S. has signed onto the U.N. committee’s pledge to protect gorilla rights across the world.

Finally, though I have only been in the Politics Department’s advanced class on Guerilla Warefare in the Congo for a few weeks, I personally…oh. Fuck. Does that say “Guerilla” warfare on there? Yeah. Whoa. Nevermind, then.

I’ll find something better for next week.