Combat Zone

Value of Dining Dollar jumps to $130, making some students kings among men

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Since the University of Puget Sound first instituted the use of the Dining Dollar in 1993, its value has remained fairly constant, fluctuating within a range between $2.00 and $3.50. In the last week, this constancy has given way to a dramatic deflation, with the value of the Dining Dollar increasing by well over 1,000 percent.

The rapid increase in the value of the Dining Dollar has triggered immediate dramatic change in the economic landscape of the University of Puget Sound student body. Some students, who had large quantities of Dining Dollars before their explosive increase in worth, are euphoric at their good fortune. Others are furious that they’ve missed out.

“I just haaaaad to get the Light Plan,” sophomore Martin Welps said. “I very nearly got the medium plan. I was this close. If I had done that, I’d be a big roller right about now.” Welps kicked over a small wastebasket.

Junior Adrionus Drake, who chose to purchase the Hearty Plan, was over the moon after the dramatic deflation of the Dining Dollar.

“Oh man, I always thought something like this might happen to me,” Drake said. “From now on, for me it’s fast cars, fast women. I’m going to have lobster for my midday snack. I don’t even want to tell you about my dinner. Oh, boy. I can’t wait to see the Ottoman Empire. I hope I still get my homework done when I’m having sex with so many beautiful women.”

Other students with large quantities weren’t so surprised.

“I’ve been studying cryptocurrencies for some time,” sophomore Gangrus Anxe said. “No traditional line of work every seemed quite right for me. Being a laborer? Too hard. A teacher? Too many books. A celebrity? I’m not really into attention or anything. But buying a bunch of digital coins and then just becoming wealthy while playing Fortnite in my room? Um, yes please. I knew this would happen. People used to laugh at me for investing in Dining Dollars, but I’m laughing now … because I bought the Mega Plan.”

I pressed Gangrus to speak more about his newfound fortune, but he insisted he must leave to try and purchase Elon Musk’s home phone number.

While Hearty Plan and Mega Plan meal holders are extreme cases, the whole student body has abruptly become endowed with enormous virtual wealth. The average Puget Sound student now possesses a supply of Dining Dollars worth over 80,000 American dollars. Initially, students were thrilled and excited to make some fun purchases — until it became clear that the Dining Dollars could only be spend at on-campus dining services.

“I guess I can get a lot of gluten-free snack bars,” devastated Dining Dollar millionaire Devilin Deals said.

The C-Store has already been ravished. All that is left are packages of Annie’s Deluxe Mac and Cheese, which everyone knows contains disgusting goop. Depressed students holding worthless fortunes eat themselves sick on the latest casserole from Chef’s Table. The deflation of the Dining Dollar has transformed Diversions from an uncomfortably manic space to a primal, mindless feeding frenzy resulting in daily injuries.

I spoke with Diversions employee Kendrice Cams about the change in the shop’s atmosphere.

“I mean, people have always bought expensive and elaborate drinks, but it’s gotten completely out of control. People are ordering outrageous volumes of hemp milk, vanilla pumps, extra shots, just because they can. A lot of students order drinks and pour them out in front of us and then order them again. Capitalism … is a crazy thing,” Cams said.

Most students have been very disappointed to learn they can only use Dining Dollars here, but first-years have been taking it relatively well, reasoning that they have enough time to make good use of their cryptocurrency.

“Yeah, I’d rather buy a Roomba, but it’s not so bad. In four years, I’m sure I can buy plenty of poptarts and mac and cheese,” first-year Movies John said.

Unfortunately, Dining Dollars cannot roll over. It sadly simply cannot be done. We do not have the technology. It is impossible. All of these massive fortunes will vanish at the end of the semester.

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