The Happy Trail

Navigating ‘bloody hell’

Welcome back to Round Two of my naughty sex column. I want to dive right in this week after my inaugural first column, so the Topic Du Jour is gettin’ fresh while a lady is on her period.

I know plenty of euphemisms but “period” is more appropriate, while not as scientific as “menstruation.”

Taking place an average of five to seven days per month, women are on their periods for a staggering 25 percent of their lives (between puberty and menopause). It’s easy to forget it’s there until ol’ Aunt Flo revs up and kicks into gear which can lead to quite the pickle to those who are gettin’ some. It boils down to the timeless question: to bone or not to bone.

There are a variety of reactions to fooling around during that dreaded time of the month. Some partners can’t get enough and some could really do without it. And hey, maybe some are just plain squeamish about blood.

What it really comes down to is communication and comfort. It is highly advisable that the parties involved discuss how they feel about intimacy during periods and that the conversation occurs ahead of time in a more neutral setting. It’s probably not going to be the most fun conversation ever, but it can save a lot of awkwardness in the heat of the moment.

While I could stop there, I can’t help but throw in an awkward anecdote to illustrate a predicament that is not always controllable. And to keep things raunchy.

Whether you and your partner decide to abstain from sex or not, there is the looming issue of the surprise period which happens, for example, if one’s period doesn’t arrive on time every month. It is not the ideal situation, especially if there hasn’t been any discussion. This was the fate for one poor soul….

Purely hypothetical here, I have a friend who has a friend (ahem) who didn’t get the chance to have this conversation with her partner, because she met him the night of “the incident.”

Our protagonist happened to have met a fella one night and ended up (very consensually) tangled up in his white comforter. And, well, things happen, and sometimes clothes find their way onto the floor. Then more things happen.

The poor dear went to use the restroom and saw the dark mark (no connection to Harry Potter) of the surprise period. Long story short, there was quite a situation on her hands (er, his hands).

What else was there to do but go back into the snuggle den and face the music? She went in and stood cross-armed facing away from her new friend, in a near pout. There is no guarantee this will be the response from a partner, but what happened next is a great example of what to do as the partner of someone who’s fallen victim to the surprise period.

The boy prodded, and when he finally wheedled the truth out of her, he told her he didn’t care, to borrow some boxers and to come back to bed. Gotta love those happy endings! They do happen, and if this happens to you or someone you know, be assured that you will recover from the experience.

Instead of the idea that it’d be horrifying to the partner in question to experience blood down there, my  guy friends reassured me that it’s really not that big of a deal. Coming into contact with blood doesn’t freak them out or make them run away screaming.

Women should not be afraid of their periods. Part of the beauty of sex is that two people sacrifice their insecurities in front of each other. If your partner is grossed out by your period, do you really want to be sleeping with him or her?

It is important to note that there are alternative options. If you or your partner are on the rag, surprise or not, a bit of wisdom from a friend might come in handy. She recommended putting a tampon or menstrual cup in and to focus on other hot spots down there. No penetrative sex, but it’s a compromise (and not a bad one at that).

The other thing to keep in mind is birth control, which can help regulate a menstrual cycle or allow women to skip periods altogether. As I lean toward the holistic side, I strongly encourage someone considering birth control to talk to a doctor or CHWS here on campus.

Before I go, a bonus tip: there’s always getting down and dirty while getting clean in the shower. Just make sure to clean the area thoroughly afterward, including a good Lysol-ing. Now hit the showers!