Articles written by: Mr. Buttfist

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Forecast

Monday: Slightly sunny, potential afternoon rainfall Probability of rain: 100% Tuesday: Sunny, no cloud coverage, warm! Probability of rain: 97% Wednesday: Overcast with potential rainfall starting around 2 p.m. Probability of rain: 100% Thursday: Rain Probability of rain: 100% Friday: Rain, possible thunderstorms Probability of rain: 240% Saturday: Weak morning […]

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A candid response to those annoying café whiners

Ida Dunn-Moore needs to step up her coffee game. Everyone is thankful for the space she provides, but the quality of the coffee is inconsistent. Sure, its fun to hang out with her, but she doesn’t own 20 different flavors of syrup, she can’t grind her own espresso, pull a […]

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Plague reincarnated with 2048

A lonely janitor sweeps through Thompson Hall for the third time that day, more out of habit rather than out of necessity, as no one else has walked through the empty corridors in days. The entire campus is barren; not a soul is in sight. What came to the Puget […]

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Jonah Hill wins every single Academy Award

Two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill won an Academy Award in every category this year. The actor/comedian won in categories such as Best Animated Short Film, Best Supporting Actress, Best Foreign Film, as well as every single other category. The comedian was recognized for his stunning performance as director, costume designer, […]

Thom Yorke and the Radio Heads return
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Thom Yorke and the Radio Heads return

He’s back with another bangin’ album, that Tim Pork is, only this time it’s even more country than ever! YEEEEEEE-HAW! The new album, titled Pueblo Sugar, is a remastering of an old Canadian classic album. This time the artist brings in more modern influences, such as analog harmonica improvisations and […]

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Campus drug abuse finally becoming a valid concern

An anonymous poll reinforces the campus authorities’ concern over students abusing drugs, shown today. A whopping 68 percent of students “consume some form of dietary supplement,” Detective Joe Parsons announces. “I mean, sure, you’ve got a lot of vegans and vegetarians that say they take supplements to get enough iron […]

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How to life: a Q&A

Q: What are some good dorm food options I should stock up on? A: Living on a college budget can be pretty difficult at times, so you’ll really want to make sure you’re getting a solid bang for your buck. Eating healthy is another concern. To address both issues and […]

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Administration plans to install lazy river paralleling Commencement by 2014

By MR. BUTTFIST F ollowing a recent survey asking students what the next improvements made to campus should be, President Tonald Rhombus has unveiled plans for one long continuous lazy river to substitute the sidewalks between buildings. The announcement was, however, met with some controversy. Some students would prefer the […]

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NO HOPE FOR THE HUMAN RACE: horoscope

By MR. BUTTFIST Aries: Due to the lining up of Mercury and Venus,  a stranger will unexpectedly enter your life, through a very unexpected way. He will most definitely crash his car into the side of your house at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. Taurus: Surprise! You’re pregnant. Gemini: Too […]

MGMT’s new album is crap
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MGMT’s new album is crap

Indie-rock, junkie masterminds Andrew Vanwyngarden and Ben Goldwasser have done it again with what is possibly the hottest album of 2013, People Keep Asking For Us To Make Music So Here We Are…Again. The album has attracted attention from critics and fans worldwide, most of them touting its success. In […]