Better safe than sorry: KUPS Staff trained to use Narcan

By Sara Orozco, KUPS Correspondent “Drugs are on campus, whether we talk about it or not,” Eliana Goldberg says. Recently, Goldberg, KUPS General Manager contacted CHWS to set up a basic training in administering Naloxone, or Narcan, as it is more commonly known. Goldberg wants to stress how important this work is on our campus. “Instead of falling into a don’t ask don’t tell mentality we should make sure that as many people are educated and prepared to make our campus as safe as we can,” Goldberg said. Narcan is...

Board of Trustees optimistic for University’s future

By Albert Chang-Yoo and Mercer Stauch In an open session on Friday, February 24, members of the Board of Trustees reaffirmed their commitment to a collaborative process, and also expressed eagerness to increase student awareness of changes brought along by A Sound Future. The mood was overall optimistic that the University will rebound despite its financial woes. The meeting held in Thomas Hall followed a weeklong process of committee, subcommittee, and administrative meetings with trustees and administrators. Reports regarding increasing application rates contributed to this optimism. Admissions reported that application...
Combat Zone

Dave Wright actually runs entire school, new
report shows

By Grizz's Toe A leaked internal University report shows that Reverend Dave Wright, University Chaplain, is single-handedly in charge of all campus functions. The report, titled “Dave Can Probably Do That,” gives a detailed outline of the Reverend’s daily tasks, showcasing an impressive work ethic and a schedule that seems to defy time and space.  Wright’s day starts at two o’clock in the morning, where he can be found retreating from the chapel attic to mow and water the University’s lawns. They then move to work in the SUB, cleaning...
Combat Zone

U.S. Government confirms that Chinese Spy Balloon biggest existential threat since Nuclear War

By Bean McQueen In a press conference yesterday, the U.S. Government confirmed that the recently downed Chinese spy balloon posed an existential threat to the U.S. of a significance comparable only to nuclear war. The government stated that its weeklong passage over the country should be understood as a “bloodless rampage that simultaneously left property untouched and a death toll nearly above zero.” White House Press Secretary Denai Obfus-Kate, when questioned about what specific qualities made the balloon the most credible threat to U.S. national security in the past two...
Combat Zone

Newly declassified documents confirm classified Document Fairy’s existence

By Bean McQueen Newly declassified documents, found in the overhead storage compartment of U.S. President Joe Biden’s preferred Amtrak train car, have confirmed the existence of the “Classified Document Fairy,” so-described as a “mischievous entity that delights in bamboozling high-ranking government officials.” Previously dismissed as one of the more creative excuses in circulation amongst legislative aides who misplaced memos, it would appear that the “Classified Document Fairy” is not only a fixture in our current government, but has been since the Revolutionary War. An unearthed diary maintained by John Adams,...
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