Combat Zone

Student fulfills self-proclaimed “Internet Studies” major

When Becca Figurski graduates this Spring, she will have completed UPS’ very first Internet Studies major, despite the fact that no such major exists. Her major is self-proclaimed, the product of years of passionate exploration of the web. In declaring her major, Becca hopes to raise awareness for the thousands of students who just want to browse the net in a scholarly capacity. Becca starting her life of spleunking the tubes of the net when she was 10. Her father gave her a dusty Macintosh with Internet Explorer. By 13,...
Combat Zone

University officials curtail student binge drinking, instead promote sustainable drinking practices

The campus was abuzz with celebration last weekend. President Thomas was on hand to shotgun the ceremonial diet soda in recognition of a milestone in the university’s history. “We have eliminated binge drinking,” Thomas said. “Gone are the days of reckless, rapid consumption of alcohol. The school is now promoting moderate, daylong drinking. It’s been a long road, but we’ve done it.” There were many who doubted the university’s capacity to stamp out the student population’s thirst for shots and the shenanigans that follow. The board of trustees, angered by...
Combat Zone

Gender Studies minor realizes he’s male, despicable

Hunter Richardson, ‘12, considered himself an OK guy. He recycles, goes to church on Sunday and logs off when someone leaves their Facebook open on his computer. But after three years as a Gender Studies minor, he made a disturbing discovery. Hunter Richardson is a man. And men are bastards. “I’m shocked,” Richardson said. “I figured I was okay. I had no idea I was just another throbbing tool of the patriarchy. I’m still grappling with it. I know I’ve only tasted the tip of the big, phallic iceberg.” When...
Combat Zone

S.U.B. food good

There’s something different about the S.U.B. this year, and it’s not just that the information booth is a big, sexy circle. “The food’s actually good,” junior Chris Baker said between mouthfuls of orange chicken. “And I’m not even that high right now. The freshmen don’t even know how good they’ve got it.” It’s true. Across campus, students are taking note: the S.U.B. has stepped up its game. The Pac-Rim station in particular has drawn attention due to the extreme nature of its transformation. Once the university’s premier source of gastrointestinal...
1 2
Page 2 of 2