Gender Studies minor realizes he’s male, despicable
Hunter Richardson, ‘12, considered himself an OK guy. He recycles, goes to church on Sunday and logs off when someone leaves their Facebook open on his computer. But after three years as a Gender Studies minor, he made a disturbing discovery. Hunter Richardson is a man. And men are bastards.
“I’m shocked,” Richardson said. “I figured I was okay. I had no idea I was just another throbbing tool of the patriarchy. I’m still grappling with it. I know I’ve only tasted the tip of the big, phallic iceberg.”
When Hunter entered his first Gender Studies class in the fall of 2008, he was met with a surprise.
“I was the only guy in the room,” he said. “At first, it was intimidating. But as I soon found out, everyone else there was just as scared of me as I was of them. Probably more so. After all, I’m a whiskey-drinking, football-watching, skirt-chasing man. I’ve been conditioned by an entrenched patriarchy to demean, objectify and subjugate women everywhere. But it took the Gender Studies department to really show me that. One day, watching “Anchorman” in class, it just hit me.”
But it’s not just Richardson’s Y-chromosome that makes him a sorry human being. There is a long history of gender oppression for which he must now answer.
“It turns out men have been bastards to women for essentially all of history. I guess it’s just been really easy. I mean, we’re like way stronger than them. It’s not even fair…. Hold up, I’m sorry. That’s not right. Old habits, you know?”
Making up for several thousand years worth of oppression is a heavy burden to take on, but Richardson has some advice for men seeking to atone.
“Honestly, try being gay. Pretty much all the jerky things men do are intended to impress women. But gay guys aren’t sexist. I don’t even think that’s possible. Beyond that, there really isn’t much you can do. Most men are lost causes. Wait. That gay part sounded really bad. Don’t print that, all right? It’s more ambiguous than how it just came out.”
Hunter’s revelation has earned him praise from his professors and fellow students. Heidi Schwanzbender, Hunter’s advisor, said in an interview: “The purpose of any good Gender Studies program is to examine, in the fairest, most even-handed way possible, the systematic evils inflicted on the world by men. Hunter has somehow managed to turn his otherwise brutal instincts inward in ruthless self-reflection. He has come to terms with his true nature. Rotten and phallocentric as he is, he has taken an important step toward enlightenment.”
With his newfound insight, Richardson intends to raise bastard awareness wherever he can.
“As a guy, I think I can show other guys the importance of not being a jerk,” Richardson said.
He’ll start with a bartending job in the sweaty wasteland of Texas.
“Drunk dudes are jerks. Texans are jerks. I like a challenge.”
After pausing a moment, Richardson proceeded to apologize for using the word ‘bastard’, as it implies that a woman is base for having a child out of wedlock.