Combat Zone

Last-standing New Year’s Resolution Finally Abandoned, Truths Revealed

On Jan. 1, people across the world pledge to make a substantial change in their lives during the coming year. A recent survey has revealed that with the second month of 2015 ending, the final “New Year’s resolution” has been abandoned.

During the early years of this tradition, scientists began to realize that these resolutions were rarely sustained for the entire year. They came upon this discovery by monitoring actual change in society: if people were to stick with their reforms, scientists had predicted that within 20 years all of the world’s problems would be resolved. When these same scientists observed no real change after a decade, they became suspicious of the authenticity of these declarations.

Beginning in 2008, the United States government began issuing monthly surveys to track this important issue. However, when the returned questionnaires indicated that the number of people who “regularly exercised at the gym” was nearly triple the actual amount of gym memberships, it was clear that people had not been fully honest.

To counteract this, in 2011, the United States began sending each government official a survey to make citizens “pinky swear” not to lie on their test. Instantly, returning surveys showed that Americans were abandoning their resolutions earlier and earlier each year. This year has been the earliest date in recorded history for the entire nation to have dropped their resolutions.

“That can’t be right, I haven’t gone off of my diet yet,” a University student said, as he attempted to casually wipe the sugar from the corner of his mouth and hide the remainder of his donut behind him.

Across the University’s campus, students were perplexed by the results of this year’s survey. Around 70 percent of interviewed students claimed they were still sticking with their resolutions.

“My survey must not have arrived yet,” an anonymous female student said.

Contrary to this claim, the formerly mentioned student’s roommate told reporters that her roommate had not been attempting to learn a new language like she swore to do on Jan. 1. Upon discovering this, The Flail investigators re-conducted their poll, making participants “cross their hearts, and hope to die.” Results mirrored those of the national survey, with only one percent of the population still claiming to be sticking with their resolutions.

While national change may not be achieved through a yearly vow, at least one thing has been determined about the American people thanks to our New Year’s resolutions: our words are as strong as the pinkies that bind our promises.