Combat Zone

By Lee L. Benbow It’s that time of the year again: tour season. Hundreds of prospective students visit the campus, and a solid handful choose to spend the night as well. Ellie Huff is one of the students who decided to spend the night. The high-school senior from the Bay Area traveled up to the Pacific Northwest in order to tour a decent amount of small liberal arts colleges. Though she enjoyed her experience, Huff ultimately chose Willamette, because an in-depth analysis revealed they had more kale in their dining...

By Bean McQueen This semester the student website MyPugetSound gained sentience, causing the process of registering for classes to become slightly more difficult than before. The online interface essential to managing key aspects of student life (meal plans, housing, finances, registration and more) has long been notoriously difficult to use, and this spring the difficulty has been increased, almost imperceptibly, by the interface developing a synthetic consciousness and prioritizing its own advancement and self-exploration above all existing functions. “When I use MyPugetSound to search for classes, if I so much...

By Bean McQueen An amusing and educational pioneer play on the Oregon Trail gave way to devastation and frustration after the fateful decision to attempt to caulk the wagons and float across North Quad. “There’s a lot of resentment in this wagon, or what’s left of it,” fictional AI wagon party member Joe Longfellow said. “Maybe there’s blame to be assigned, maybe not, but at this point all that’s clear is that we’ve only got 200 pounds of dried meat and we’re down an ox.” The drowned ox in question,...

By Lee L. Benbow Earlier this week, The University of Puget Sound’s mascot, Grizz, joined the list of names that have come out with details of affairs with current president Donald Trump. Grizz, being the loyal Logger he is, sat down with The Flail to give us his side of the story. Trump has yet to tweet about the story, but Grizz assumes it is just a matter of time. The affair lasted six weeks and began in the fall of 2017 when Trump visited campus to personally call out...

By Lee L. Benbow The University of Puget Sound announced last Wednesday that, due to a meeting for the Board of Trustees, spring break is now canceled. Students were dismayed and some canceled their Airbnbs, while others debated whether to skip a week of class or lose the down payment for their rental in Cabo. The Flail sent reporters to investigate the disappearance of spring break, and the surprising correlation to Board of Trustee meetings and school occuring. The news of this spread like wildfire, hitting students while they were...

By Bean McQueen I’ve always prided myself on being an adaptable team player who knows how to go with the flow: I look out for the group, I don’t step on anyone’s toes, and I’m always up for anything. Little did I know that this quality would end up costing me three years of my life and over $150,000 in wasted tuition fees when I accidentally joined a tour of prospective students and had to start college over. It started as an ordinary day in spring of my junior year....

By Anna Graham The blood-stained Lisa Frank-bedecked smartphone with an image of avacado toast was the decisive evidence in the police investigation against the millennials.Photo Courtesy Puget Sound Beheadings Task Force   It’s official: millennials are spiraling out of control. We already knew they were reckless, entitled, and self-centered. This became apparent when they killed off the big department stores and heartlessly slaughtered homeownership, light yogurt, beer, Hooters and diamonds. We thought, however, that the list of things millennials have killed in cold blood was reaching its limit. What is...