FOR THE LADIES…
How little do you know about your man’s body? Not a lot, huh? The average college male’s body is an enigmatic labyrinth of erogenous zones and pleasure complexes that only the most experienced adventurers should ever attempt to pleasure alone. Fortunately, after years of research and experimentation on my own body I have discovered the ten best ways to please a man. Be warned, the road ahead is difficult and treacherous, but once you get there you’ll surely find that summiting the venerable Mount Orgasm was worth the effort. So without further ado, here are the Ford Dent’s Top Ten Techniques to Tease and Please Your Man (FDTTTTPYM, for short)!
1) Touch his junk.
2) See above.
3) Get some ice cubes. Throw them away and touch his junk
4) Call up that other girl you know he thinks is hot. Or not. Either way, touch his junk.
5) Role Play! You be Witch Doctor who has to exorcise the demons from a young tenderfoot through a vigorous junk touching. You’ll know when the demons flee his body.
6) Wait until finals week. Find him in the library and touch his junk.
7) Tell him you want to touch his junk. Then touch his junk.
8) Give him one coupon for a free junk touching
9) Play a friendly game of Whoever Has The Least Body Hair Has to Touch The Other’s Junk
10) Set up an elaborate plan involving his entire family and all of his old acquaintances and friends. Send them all to a restaurant for a big surprise party for your man. Stay home and touch his junk.