Dear Love Wombat,
I just recently reached sexual maturity. I’m nervous, but I’m wondering if you have any advice about mating. I have tried picking up lady wombats, being all suave, kinda like “hey wombaby, how about I show you my burrow?” Or, “Hey sweetie, you got a nice pouch, how about you let me get in it?” You know, stuff I’ve overheard in the burrows… But none of my lines are working! The females just keep sleeping or itching themselves. I’m frustrated and embarrassed because all the other wombats are beginning to mate. I’m so stressed out that I stay up all night, just nibbling on grasses and barely moving. I can’t keep living like this. Help me!
– Finding Whoopie Difficult to Attain in Williamsburrow
Firstly: you are probably up all night because you are a nocturnal creature who metabolizes food at a an extremely slow rate. And secondly, Womboy, you are going about this mating thing all wrong. Forget pick-up lines, forget the burrow, forget her pouch (you have no business in there) – follow your raw animal instinct and it will lead you to the sexiest mating ritual any marsupial has ever known. I believe your instinct will tell you exactly what I’m about to (warning to young wombats: the following is X-rated!). Go out in the open on a steamy, sensual night. Sniff around until you catch the pungent odor of a female wombat. When you see her, she will probably be slumped in a bush, sleeping or something. Make some barking noises, snorting, whatever, kick your feces around, make yourself noticeable. Then chase her around in a figure-8 pattern. This is VERY IMPORTANT. The figure 8 symbolizes infinity, the continuity of our species, and of course, wombat respect for Eminem’s greatest work, 8 Mile. Do not forget it! As you chase her, she will kick you with her strong hind legs many times. You may be knocked unconscious or lose an eye. Or both eyes. This is to be expected. Eventually, once she is dizzy from running all those sexy figure eights, knock her over on her side, ask very politely for her consent, then do “the deed.” And when this rare, beautiful copulation occurs, always remember Eminem’s immortal words: “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow / This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo.”
The Love Wombat