Birkenstock-wearing kid named most fashionable student on campus
Back by popular demand, we at The Flail are naming the most fashion-forward student on campus. Last year’s contest was a nail-biter, but we were glad to proclaim people who wore Crocs as our winners! This year, we again went with the theme of stylish shoes, which we know will always be popular in our consistent and not-at-all fickle society.
While we know that most people out there will say we exaggerated the popularity of this shoe, we are absolutely confident in saying that yes, we really did inflate its popularity among students.
But I digress. It was unanimous here amongst our staff about which individual was most deserving of this great honor: that kid who wears Birkenstocks!
For those of you who are not in the know, Birkenstocks have a long and glorious history even surpassing that of science’s last gift to our species (hint: we are again referring to the ever-popular and long-lasting fashion craze of the Croc).
First invented by Andrew Hole Birkenstock (A. Hole for short) they were originally made as an alternative to other comfortable yet practical shoes, but without much success. While the knowledge that Birkenstocks are unpopular is expected amongst most sane people, this isn’t the full story.
A new character enters this epic tale: The Hipster. Until the rise of the mysterious creature known as The Hipster, people had not come to know the joy of Birkenstocks.
The Hipster started this fashion trend to be different from society (ironically ending up exactly like each other) to deal with their crippling sense of insecurities. Oh, those crazy kids with their fun fads. We all know these people, the ones who drink their organic-fair-trade-double-soy latte. You know, the ones who are way cooler than—let’s be honest here—all of us mere mortals. In those days, they were who we all wanted to be.
Now, we have finally come to discover Birkenstocks and can reach The Hipster’s self-enlightened state of disinterest we once strove for. That is why I went out to hear from our students just how much they love this new trend. Their answers may just surprise you. Here are some of the best quotes:
“They aren’t even really that comfortable. I just got them to seem cooler than I felt I was.”
“Psh, I totally already had Birkenstocks before anyone else. I’m kind of a big deal on campus.”
“They almost make wearing socks with open-toed shoes acceptable!”
“So far, they really are my favorite things about college. Except, well, anything else that you could ever do.”
“What I’m about to say may be unpopular to some, dooming me to live a life of being a social recluse, but I really think they are just sandals with an extra strap. Wait, are you writing this down?”
Getting to hear from all these students really showed how truly infatuated this community is with Birkenstocks. But, there was a darker undertone to the otherwise happy consensus for the love of the magnificent, versatile shoe-sandal footwear: most students do not wear Birkenstocks. This shocking revelation is something that the bulk of the crazed individuals who wear them refuse to accept about their beloved shoe which is clearly a completely rational thought, because obviously these people have a right to make you love their sh** too. After all, as the old saying goes, you’re entitled to your opinion unless it is in any way speaking badly about or even remotely hinting at the idea that Birkenstocks are not the most spectacular thing we have ever worn.
So, if you have an obscure and/or generally disliked fashion statement that you think people have to wear, do not be silent about it. Be aggressive, be loud, and do not let other people tell you that you need to back off. No, if you want to have your favorite piece of clothing gain immense and random popularity for a short period of time, you need to force that message down people’s throats.