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It’s finals week and obligations mean nothing

Finals week is finally here! Isn’t everyone excited? I’m excited. No, not for the tests or the stress or the cramming; I’m excited because finals week means that I can abandon all of my other responsibilities, to both myself and society. Some (my housemates) would say that final exams don’t mean the world stops, but don’t you think it should? Here are some things you have a right to not do because you have finals:

●       Shower: Some might say that maintaining personal hygiene is a responsibility you have, not just to yourself, but also to the rest of society. However, it is finals and your body is your body. If your housemate tells you that you should shower, accuse him of perpetuating a patriarchal superstructure, which thinks it can tell women what to do with their bodies. He’ll go look up the word “superstructure” and you can bask in your filth.

●       Go to Class: Does it bother anyone else that Reading Week isn’t actually a whole week? It’s four days, but really only two if we’re excluding the weekend. Make it a whole week; claim what you’ve been promised. If any professors email you to ask why you missed class, you say you were confused and thought Reading Week was a whole week. They’re most likely to believe you if you have a C or below in their class.

●       Listen to Friends Complain: Your best friend is crying in her room about something. Maybe she’s having relationship problems or maybe she’s nervous about failing that ECON final. You’re a compassionate person, the kind of person who ordinarily would sit with her while she weeps and watches her favorite movie. Now you don’t care. You have finals. You throw her a tissue box and tell her to suck it.

●       Clean: Your room is messy and, for once, you have an excuse not to clean it. After three days of passive aggressive notes left under your door, your housemate says, “Audrey, your room is dirty” and you say, “I’m aware.” He says, “Can you clean it? That pizza box is gross,” and you say, “It’s my study food. Because I’m studying. Because I have finals.” After glaring at you for five straight minutes, all passive-aggression abandoned for straight on aggression, he throws it away and you get the best of both worlds: uninterrupted study time and a clean room.

●       Go to the Library: All semester, we say, “Wow I should really get down to the library.” Most of us never actually set foot in the library until finals week. However, this means that during this week, the library is insanely crowded. It’s really the one week you have an excuse to not go to the library, so you should take advantage of it.

●       Sleep: We learn from movies and TV shows that all-nighters are a finals week MUST. If you’re getting more than four hours sleep per night during Reading Week, you are going to fail your exams.

●       Study: You’ve already learned all this stuff in class, and, at some point, studying just adds unnecessary stress. Wing it and hope you don’t fail. It’s finals.