As California’s drought worsens, Puget Sound has decided to take action in response to the severity of the environmental disaster. Unfortunately for California, the University has decided to gloat their abundance of the precious resource, instead of instituting any beneficial measures toward conservation.
Students may have noticed the first step in the school’s boasting began with the abuse of the sprinkler system– often irrigating the lawns while it is already raining in order to display their dominance over California. Most believe the source of this behavior stems from the large percentage of California students attending the university, and the jealously held by much of the administration due to California’s superiority to their home states. Appearing to be in cohorts, the head of groundskeeping (from Mo.) and the president (from N.J.) have created a plan to demonstrate their abundance of the resource to California students.
“It all began with watering lawns unnecessarily,” said Puget Sound’s head groundskeeper, Damien Cotton. “Now that we’ve captured the students’ attention, we will move into the second stage.”
The following “stages” were released officially by the University of Puget Sound (an allegedly “green” school) shortly after our interview with the administration:
Stage 1: Water all lawns, constantly.
Stage 2: Confiscate all substances containing water from Californian students.
Stage 3: Pour confiscated substances into the over-watered grass.
Stage 4: Encourage use of plastic water bottles to increase importation of water from states in need.
Stage 5: Pour bottled water into the streets.
Stage 6: Transport empty bottles to major California cities located near large bodies of water.
Stage 7: Pollute the bodies of water with shredded plastic from the empty bottles.
“The best part is, we are paying for all this with the students’ tuition. The very people funding us are the ones whose livelihoods we are trying to destroy,” Cotton said. “With any luck we might cause a few people in the agriculture business to lose their jobs. That’ll knock those Californians down a few pegs.
There appeared to be no end in sight to the tyrannical rampage. Students continued to make comments expressing their disgust with the school’s wasteful acts. However, these comments appeared to be empty words echoing the voices of Americans all over the country who pretend to care about the environment.
The University’s vendetta toward Californians spurred no response from the students until the waste of water affected them directly. Recently, the North Quad lawn flooded, causing the basement level of Schiff to evacuate; resulting in $4600 of damages. Suddenly, students and parents alike were enraged by the University’s anti-environmentalist efforts.
Studies are unsure if the student body’s sudden interest in environmentalism has any correlation to the flood’s impact on personal possessions.