This past Tuesday, college radio station first-year DJ, DJ J.D., boldly played a Billboard Top 1000 song during his radio show. Much to his surprise, the DJ community swiftly cancelled his show and excused him from the station.
“It was an abomination,” sophomore DJ Barely Barley said. “That song is trash, utter trash. Doesn’t he read any music blogs?”
In a statement from DJ J.D., he reported never having been on SoundCloud and did not have even one music blog bookmarked on his computer.
“I really like that song, actually,” the DJ said. “It’s my jam.”
Despite the subjectivity of music taste, other DJs at the station immediately dismissed his feelings and opinions and labeled the song “horrendous,” “horrible” and “factually bad.”
Genre Director DJ Wolensmith explained to Flail reporters that the song was bad for more than just the aforementioned reasons.
“It has terrible, boring structure,” Wolensmith said. “It’s the exact same as the other 999 top Billboard songs. It’s so pop-y. Did you know it was produced by the same guy that did that other awful song? It was also released on that Big Label Records, and just by the nature of their company the song makes my ears bleed.”
Indeed, Wolensmith bled through his ears during the entire interview process—he promised it was actually due to the terrible song and not ebola, which is well known to be the biggest threat to humanity—especially in America.
“I bet [DJ J.D.] has never even heard of vinyl,” DJ Hip AF said. “If he did, he’d know that every person, whether musically inclined or not, can hear the difference between a high quality vinyl record and an mp3 file played through a hundred-dollar pair of speakers.”
The Super High Council of DJs met Wednesday night in order to address the consequences of DJ J.D.’s horrific actions. After a 52-hour council discussion in the same format as the filibusters of great American politicians, the council ultimately decided that, in addition to the naïve DJ’s dismissal from the station, he was to be publicly shamed and branded with the Billboard logo—in addition to further music education.
“The punishment shall fit the crime, I do declare,” Wolensmith said. “He shall take full responsibility of his actions and, further, shall be educated about true music.”
On Thursday, DJ J.D. faced his punishment with all the bravery and courage of a little toaster.
“It actually wasn’t so bad,” the DJ said. “They sat me in this dark little basement room where other DJs laughed at me and pointed fingers. Then for the branding they actually had one of the DJs draw on my face with a Sharpie, but I think I recognized them from my Art 102 class so it was sort of chill. They did also play a bunch of loud, ambient electronic music for about 45 minutes, which I wasn’t a big fan of but they liked it. They probably could branch out a bit more, I don’t know.”
In the end, DJ J.D., or rather, just J.D. now, refused to drink the blood out of the skull and decided to relocate his talents to the nationally recognized music conservatory on campus.
He is currently Cellist J.D., and will perform for the University President at his annual “For Those Who Can Afford It” banquet.