This week’s relevant definition is relevant: “The Octobers” (n., tr. v., int. v., ppp) – when September 30th takes a giant dump in your esophagus and  nests there until Thanksgiving. Example: “Brofus 1: Dude y’alls dudussez, are ya coming curb-stomping with us? Brofus 2: Nah bro; I got a nasty case of the Octobers.” This week’s sage advice is sagacious (and also smells like thyme btw): Lissenapp dongpenguins! It’s 2013! Yeah! The time to don racist Halloween costumes is NOT NOW, NOT EVER, WAKE THE F*** UP PEOPLE. *CUE SEGUE...

By VERNICIOUS KNID I pleaded, I begged, I even tried to board a plane to Canada; however, Stone Cold Steve Awesome has a cousin who works for the TSA and Mr. Buttfist was flying the plane so that went a fat lot of nowhere. And then when I got home Eddie Pissrex took a .44 out of his pockets and shot my bike tires (seriously?? Who the f**k carries a .44 anymore?! F**king hipsters). And so, as I perfumed the air with my garlic-scented sighs, I resigned myself to completing...

Advice of the Week:   “ Sleep more than you study, study more than you party, party as much as you can. Stay wild. ” —The Coquette @ thecoquette.net Classifieds:   WANTED: Wizard for permanent position.  Clowns, donkey hotays and Harry Potters need not apply.   FOR SALE: baby shoes, never worn. CONTACT: E. Hemmingway  via ih8thejazzzzage@yahoo.com   FREE: large male(?) alligator!! approx. 8’ 9”; green; likes over-the-ear-headphones; answers to “Frank.” CONTACT: Koopz 91.0 FM “The Tone.” Pick up at your own risk.   WANTED: Disney movies for nostalgic college...

So there I was...a tipsy parental unit to the left of me, an unclean, French-toast uniformed line of boy-creatures to the right of me, a one Mr. Jamin G. Queue (he would have none of the new, first-name-basis poppycock) teaching Cotillion around me and a bet lost to another writer from The Flail at the forefront of my thoughts, reminding me that I had no choice but to stay here and make the best of what was looking to be the interview from hell. As a “graduate” of the program,...

Not Another F***ing Vampire Book—is the title of a college-oriented fantasy novel, written for the next generation of young adults. Or, you know, people who still live with their parents but occasionally try their hand at adulting. It is the story of a young man somewhere between the ages of still-has-marketable-sex-appeal and broke-degreed-and-stupid who one day wakes up with the ability to suck the ink out of books. He also thinks he’s a philosophy major, so he asks his professors whether or not books are still books if they lack...