Combat Zone

How to life: a Q&A

Q: What are some good dorm food options I should stock up on?

A: Living on a college budget can be pretty difficult at times, so you’ll really want to make sure you’re getting a solid bang for your buck.

Eating healthy is another concern. To address both issues and to find a good compromise, I recommend a few different options.

You’ll want to buy spoiled milk, because grocers will usually sell it to you pretty cheap, and it’s a good source of anti-oxidants!

You also don’t have to worry about it going bad, because it already has.

In fact, if you let it sit for a little longer, it’ll slowly become a deliciously rancid cheese! Next, you’ll want to buy some packets of Jell-O (I prefer orange!) and steal a bottle of hot sauce from the nearest taco stand.

When combined, they can taste pretty incredible, and they manage to fill you up pretty ineffectively!

Finally, you’ll want to head downtown and scope out some of the nicer dining districts of Tacoma or even Seattle.

Head on back and dig through the garbage; you’ll be amazed at what kind of food people throw out!

I once salvaged half a rotting steak, several live raccoons and a ton of wood that used to be a coffee table! Yummy!

 

Q: My roommate dragged in the carcass of a dead camel and it’s really starting to smell. What air freshener do you recommend I use?

A: Ah, I’ve definitely had my share of smelly roommate habits.

For dead camels, I definitely would recommend Febreeze Lemon-Lime for Dead Carcasses and Rotting Matter; it’s pretty good about killing the odor and it gives the room a nice, fresh, lemon-y smell!

 

Q: My roommate snores at night, so how I can throw his bed outside at night without him noticing?

A: Sharing a room with someone who has less-than-wonderful sleeping habits can get pretty rough sometimes.

I’d recommend installing a pulley system outside your window or even a giant inflatable slide (you can steal them off airplanes pretty easily).

Or, if both of those sound a little too troublesome, I’d recommend creeping over one night, after a sleepless week when you’re full of spite and no longer feel empathy or any human emotion for that matter, and silently smother him with your pillow.

That’ll silence him for sure.

 

Q: My boyfriend came home with a trunk full of dead prostitutes and now we won’t stop fighting, to the point where my toddler won’t sleep. How can I make my child fall asleep?

A: Really? This is seriously what you’re asking?

 

Q: My friend for my birthday got me a stripper. Its been three weeks and she still won’t leave. How can I get rid of her?

A: Strippers are a fantastic commodity to have around the house, but sometimes you’re just not in the mood for lap dances, like for example right after putting your dog down.

And they aren’t the brightest tools in the kitchen either, so sometimes they don’t take the hint.

At this point I say you take what I’d like to call the Heisenberg route: drive out into the desert and trade her for some methylamine.

 

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