I
n a recent study conducted by Brown University, 73 percent of students reported sleep problems. Research studies across the nation at various universities have concluded the same thing—college students are not getting enough sleep.
Sophomore Megan Liberman has a solution.
Last Thursday, during the open forum of the weekly student senate meeting, Liberman proposed that a portion of campus finances go towards a new section of student services.
“Snuggle Services,” Liberman said, “are a necessary addendum to our campus amenities in ensuring students’ health.”
Due to what student Senator Brad Greene labeled a “kitsch name,” Senate was uncertain of the sincerity of Liberman’s request. Upon further review and questioning, Liberman’s proposal was found “more thorough and researched” by Greene than other proposals making their way to Senate meetings.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Senator Greene said while addressing Liberman’s proposal for a campus-funded Snuggle Services, “I still think it’s absurd to be asking that student finances go toward sanctioning something called ‘Snuggle Services,’ but the fancy pie charts and graphs in her proposal almost had me going with it for a while.”
Lieberman began her address to the Senate with a personal anecdote about her first-year roommate.
“There were nights when she would just sit there watching ‘Gossip Girl’ for hours on her laptop, the soft glow of Netflix slowly burning holes into her retinas. Her eyes glazed over as she chomped on leftover Joy Teriyaki,” Liberman recounted, slowly moved to tears by her own memory, “I’m sorry, you guys, I just get really emotional when I think about her living like that, you know? Not getting enough sleep just so she could distract herself from the pain and mundanity of biology homework, and for what? Soy sauce stomachaches and watching Chuck and Blair break up for the billionth time? This is not the life a college student deserves and we all know it.”
According to Liberman, she had attempted to propose this idea to both Counseling, Health, and Wellness Services (CHWS) and Security Services before addressing the student senate. Liberman reported that garnering support from her peers—those most directly affected by this initiative—would be her best bet in establishing this service.
“Okay, so like, I get that students aren’t getting enough sleep and all. And I agree, it’s super hard to get work done well when you feel like you can’t function without, like, four coffees a day. But like, why ‘Snuggle Services’? Are you actually suggesting that we pay for campus officials who forcibly snuggle you to sleep?” junior Jordan Riggins asked after Liberman’s emotional presentation.
Liberman chuckled.
“No,” she began, “no, I’m not suggesting some sort of fascist curfew. No, I’m just suggesting that if a student is in need of some comfort, or someone to ease their mind after a long day, they need not turn to the stoic skeeze of Chuck Bass or whatever Netflix narcissist tickles your fancy.”
Liberman realized she was losing the attention of her room with her highly referential rhetoric.
“Here’s exactly what I’m proposing,” Liberman said, “Snuggle Services, a student-sanctioned wellness service, would allow students to call upon the help of a professional comfort guide to ensure a well rested evening. Snuggle Services would offer a warm beverage coupled with the soothing sounds of Enya or Seal. Additionally, Snuggle Services would provide a turndown or tuck-in service. College-appropriate bedtime stories would be offered alongside sweet puppy-kisses from a 3-month-old Corgi puppy that, of course, would need to be purebred and rotated so as not to exhaust the puppy. I beg you, fellow students, to consider your health when you think of Snuggle Services.”
The notion was rejected, but Liberman remains hopeful that she will garner support from peers.