Waffle-selling student savior mourned by dorm
For the past few weeks, our school has been on the brink of utter annihilation. We have been in a dark time, without hope to guide us on. We almost had a movement that had emerged from the shadows to lead us to the light (it was basically the work of a modern day Jesus TBH #blessed). We had finally discovered the movement that could save us, and it was called WannaWaffle UPS. It would have been a waffle delivery service operated out of a student’s dorm.
I know, great idea! But because of the fascist residence policies that prohibit students from selling things out of their dorms, we may never get to see this idea come to fruition. It is all in the past now. A dead hope that will never be realized. They shut it down before anyone could even know how truly great it was.
A brilliant entrepreneur had the courage to make something that everyone was in desperate need of. They led this movement with strength and justice. They represented all that it means to be a true American patriot. They had created a waffle revolution that may just have been what we needed here on campus. They would have literally brought you a waffle. I don’t think there will ever be a more charitable and caring gesture done by anyone on this campus (literally ever in the history of the school for all time). Especially now.
There has not been a more painful thing I’ve had to do than change my entire article to refer to this movement in the past tense. This could have solved all the problems that we have. It was the solution we needed, but apparently not the one we are going to get. No waffles from WannaWaffle means we all suffer.
How good were his waffles? They were f***ing great. But now we will never get to put one of these delicious masterpieces in our mouths. We are now waffleless and hopeless. People were already calling this angel from above “the hero we need, but not the one we deserve.” It’s very clear that we don’t deserve this great leader, for we didn’t cherish their Godly presence. They had shown the strength to stand up to a world of depression, poverty and injustice. They fought back against the darkness. Let me tell you, even after all the things that have taken place in the past few days I still believe in waffles. No matter how much the man tries to keep me down, I will fight for this movement.
I will stand with waffles until the very end, no matter what. For it is waffles that are the best part of living and what make me get up in the morning. If I didn’t have any waffles to get me through the day….well, I don’t even want to think about it. A world without my waffles is a world I don’t want to picture. Now I am being kept from my love. And I’m expected to go to the S.U.B. with their sub-par waffles in the hopes of finding something to replace the emptiness in my soul? It just isn’t the same.
Now, some of you may say that you really don’t like waffles. That this isn’t the most important thing in the world. That I should let it go. To these people I say one thing: f*** you. There is not enough good in the world, and we needed this amazing change. Before we were introduced to waffles, we only had the far worse breakfast food: pancakes.