Let’s talk about oral sex.
There is a big stigma attatched to oral that needs to be addressed.
I’ve heard guy friends say that they don’t give oral because they don’t like submitting or being “feminized.”
I’ve heard female partners say that they don’t like giving oral because it’s degrading.
However, I’ve always felt that it’s like giving a back rub. Sure, I don’t get any direct physical pleasure out of it and I don’t particularly enjoy doing it, besides the fact that it makes my partner feel good. Yeah, I may be “submitting” to my partner. But despite all of this, I find it an extremely intimate, rewarding experience. So where the hell does this stigma behind oral sex come from?
I spent a lot of time researching this topic, trying to find the origins of the idea of “degradation.” After hours of searching, it seemed that every combination of terminology that I tried (“Psychology of oral sex,” “Oral sex degrading” or “Why is oral sex bad?”) provided nothing but forums of users looking for the same answers that I was searching for.
Eventually I stumbled upon a collection of books and articles that seemed to explain where this idea comes from. According to David Fredrick’s book The Roman Gaze: Vision, Power, and The Body, the stigma behind oral sex dates back to ancient Roman culture.
According to Fredrick, Roman sexuality was focused on power above anything else: dominance and submissiveness. And providing oral sex was the most disgraceful thing somebody could do because it was completely subservient.
In Frederick’s book he states: “Both ancient literature and graffiti tell us that fellatio was the province of prostitutes; it was a sexual act no Roman male of the elite class would request of his wife” (161).
He goes on to further explain that for a man to perform oral sex is even more submissive, feminizing and disgraceful.
“In the Roman hierarchy of sexual debasement, the man suspected of performing cunnilingus was even more defiled than a man who was a passive partner in male-to-male sex” (165).
So now that we understand how old and outdated this stigma is, we can attack the issue head-on.
Anti-pornography activists like Robert Jensen and Gail Dines would have you believe that the popularity of oral in pornography, particularly blowjobs, is evidence of misogyny in oral sex and the mainstream population.
Although this argument has some validity, I would like to remind you all of the iconic scene from The Vagina Monologues, “Because He Liked to Look at It.”
The monologue tells the story of a woman who thinks her vagina was “incredibly ugly” until she meets a man named Bob, who loves to stare at—and taste — her vulva with delight and wonder. Bob’s embrace of her body is the key to her self-acceptance.
This attitude can easily go both ways. Perhaps the appeal of blowjobs in porn is about men’s equal desire to be validated: to feel desirable, to feel good, to feel clean.
Young people are raised with the sense that their bodies, especially their genitals, are disgusting and dirty.
Remember hearing phrases like “your naughty area”? Or how about “private parts”?
A partner’s willingness to accept your junk with enthusiasm and gusto does a lot more than stimulate you physically. It is an intensely powerful source of self-affirmation.
Although there are many more variables that could turn a partner away from oral sex, i.e. personal hygiene or a lack of experience, the psychological stigma of oral being a subservient, degrading task is one that can be overcome.
Giving oral sex isn’t about degrading yourself or feeling “dirty.” It’s about making your partner feel clean.
