Crafty tips on how to de-clean your house
Your domestic dilemma: “My house doesn’t look like anyone lives there!”
Crafty Connie’s Solution:
Oh, your roommate’s parents just visited, too? That explains the vast expanse of flat surfaces, the glistening sink, that suspiciously bulging closet door. It’s time to embark once again on everyone’s favorite Sunday activity: Not Cleaning the House. You’ll regain that “lived-in” look in no time, without spending money on stupid things like art or light fixtures.
Professional not-cleaners start at the bottom, and work their way up. This is the most efficient way to do things, because it is easier to set stuff down than pick stuff up.
Actually, I can’t believe I have to give you such an obvious piece of an advice.
If you can’t figure that out, I hope apples fall on your head until you come up with a crude mechanical model for approximating the motion of the objects around you, or you die of blunt-force trauma.
Anyway, feel free to kick those shoes off in that corner. Corners are lonely without shoes. So are couches. Couches are the great omnivores of the living room savannah—they have voracious appetites and will eat anything.
Feed them daily with keys, phones, important things you wrote down on scraps of paper, any denomination of money, small animals, firstborn children or the remote you need (not the stupid remote that doesn’t actually change anything—except what if somewhere, something is turning on/off every time you vainly push the on/off button, and how weird would that be? Keep pushing it).
Couches are the bulkier and more sedate version of love seats. Sometimes two love seats love each other very much and do a special hug, and then about nine months later, an ottoman pops up in a dark corner of The Mattress Ranch.
Ottomans are also known as “squishy coffee tables,” because you can put things on them that would normally just go on coffee tables, like books.
Coffee table books really help with that personal touch. My personal favorite is The Coupon Book, which shows up every single day in the mail.
Don’t recycle this valuable artistic collection—lay it out in your house for all to see. You can pad your book collection with another classic, Letters to People Who Don’t Live at Your House Anymore. This lets your guests know you are a person of letters.
Kitchens practically beg for some “homing up.” The best kitchens show off. Don’t hide that matching S.U.B.® dinnerware set, complete with green-tinted cups, away in the cupboard. That’s what counters are for. Make sure not to overdo it—just lay these items out casually, so that your guests know you are tasteful and detail-oriented, yet carefree. Hygiene can be one of the cares you are free of. Complete this effect in the kitchen by tastefully camouflaging the base of your sink and nearby counters with your FAKETEFLON® pot and pan set. Cast iron is one no-no here—scrub vigorously with soap and steel wool until the grease comes off, and stash away on the highest possible shelf.
Carry that carefree theme right into the bathroom, and don’t be afraid to show off your playful side.
Guests like nothing better than to be entertained by fun games like “which knob has hot water?” or “what do I dry my hands with?” or “which of these objects most resembles toilet paper?” or “was that a bottle of DOG SHAMPOO?” Display your “shower beer” selection by leaving the beers you drink in the shower…in the shower.
Finish off your efforts so far by covering up the ratty chairs at the kitchen table with a nice, bright, waterproof slipcover. Maybe one that doubles as a raincoat. Don’t second-guess. Wherever you put things, they’re sure to look great—just don’t pick them up.