Crafty Connie’s helpful hints for do-it-yourself plumbing
Plumbing problems are all too common in the domestic world. Today, our distinguished guest plumber Randy P. Ipelayer will offer up convenient DIY solutions to your flow-related problems.
Domestic Dilemma #1: Hey Randy, the drain in my shower keeps backing up. Now I just take really shallow baths. Help!
That sounds disgusting! I can only assume everything below your ankles is now coated in a nice crust of shame. There might even be some crusty shame on your socks. Once you get yourself clean, either by using your weird roommate’s hair-covered shower upstairs or simply standing outside long enough, it’s time to get that drain cleared out. Pour some soda down there to get things flowing again —Coke is best. Actually, whatever kind your fat roommate drinks is best. Fight diabetes where you find it, I always say! Next, try to find out what is backing up your drain in order to avoid this smelly fate in the future. If the drain is full of hair, get a haircut, ya stinkin’ hippie! Dreds looked good on Bob Marley. On you, they look more like a caterpillar orgy. Not a good image, unless you’re a caterpillar.
Domestic Dilemma #2: My shower seems to have two temperatures: Fires of hell and polar expedition. How can I stop showing up to class looking like alternate stages of a Red Lobster meal?
Harden up. Christ.
Domestic Dilemma #3: The toilet in my Trimble suite is on strike. Nine out of ten flushes, it clogs and my roommates and I have a nasty mess. Yuck! Please help, Randy! What should I do?
Try not going to Gateway to India six days a week and learn to cook, lazy! You could even try going vegan. A vegan diet might not help your digestion, but you’ll die of misery within weeks. The reduced load on the abode will help out the rest of your suitemates dramatically. Take one for the team!
Domestic Dilemma #4: I’ve been leaving my dishes in the sink all semester. For the first few weeks, they emerged sparkling clean after a few days. Now, they just sit there! What’s wrong with my sink?
You’ve mistaken your sink for a dishwasher. You’re destined to return to your parents’ house immediately after leaving college, where you will be disabused of this notion even more rudely when you turn 30 and are forced to actually leave. For now, buy a meal plan and eat all meals at the S.U.B.
Domestic Dilemma #5: I live in the basement of my house after drawing the short straw in our room-picking lottery. My room is rapidly flooding after the recent rains. How can I escape this biblical disaster?
Build an ark, dummy. It worked for Noah, it’ll work for you. You’ve gotten a bit of a late start, so use furniture. Really, more of a raft will do. Besides, look on the upside: You now have a waterbed, an aquarium, and a pool in your home. These are status symbols – everyone will soon be clamoring to check out the free-range minnows, scuba among the lost reefs of your underwear drawer, and get wiggly on your waterbed. Hellllloooo sexytimes.
Domestic Dilemma #6: The water out of my faucet has a downright funky taste. Should I buy a water filter?
This right here, my friend, is why God made Olympia for $5.99 a six-pack. Plus, the government puts mind-control drugs in tap water. Trust me.
Dilemma #7: My garbage disposal makes horrible noises when I flip the switch. I think my roommate dropped a fork down there! How can I get it out?
You’ll never retrieve it without losing at least a hand. If you’re gonna lose body parts, it might as well be to something alive. Go and get yourself the meanest, most poorly trained animal you can find in the pet classifieds. Not only will this beast successfully destroy any future leftover food, it might just come in handy when the Feds start knocking. Who knows what your roommate really put down that disposal, anyway.
Dilemma #8: I’m a stressed-out RA, and I’ve heard that baths are a great way to relax. Every time I try to take a bath, the water doesn’t fill up more than an inch! This isn’t relaxing at all!
I’m firmly convinced the government is stealing our bathwater and selling it to Canada. I remain ever vigilant with regard to the evil creeping southward. Besides, have you ever tried a Molson Ice?