By V Solar-Miller
The team here at The Trail decided to take on the challenge of testing out those alluring sexy treats you see in sex stores. As journalists, we took our Halloween boon very seriously, and reviewed with only a few giggles sprinkled in between tastings. While you probably didn’t find these items at the RSA and ASUPS ‘Trunk or Treat’ event, you can look for them at your local ‘adult entertainment’ store.
Starting off strong with Pipedream’s Edible Crotchless Watermelon Gummy Panties, the packaging leads you to believe the panties will be fully gummy, maybe a Fruit by the Foot situation. The stiff triangle with its sour sugar coating begs the question… how many licks does it take to get to your sweet spot? The triangle gummy curiously had a small circle missing from the center, we assume for the ‘crotchless’ effect. Pipedream assures users that its product is “Christian Safe,” a gentle reminder of the lengths followers of Christ will go to get laid. Finding out the panties were God-approved wasn’t as surprising as them tasting almost exactly like a watermelon Sour Patch. You’d think a room full of undergraduates would be able to figure out how you’d put this bad boy on, but the lack of instructions made this almost as hard as Tucker Carlson’s penis when he sees the sexy green M&M. Sophie Goble, Happy Trail Editor, realized the lace was supposed to lay on your lips while one of the strings loops through and connects with the second string that (we assume) secures the sides of the ‘panties’ around the back of your waist. This product does require further testing to give an accurate rating on its functionality, but unfortunately, no writers or editors in the room were jumping at the opportunity to find some answers.
The team initially agreed that the Liquored Up Gummy Pecker Rings collection, which had three rings total, was the biggest rip off. Fifteen dollars for a stiff Bahama Mama, Mai Tai and Strawberry Daiquiri lifesaver gummy was disappointing — until someone suggested stretching the gummy to test its durability. Low and behold, the stiff ring held its shape outstandingly well as it expanded to an unreasonable thickness. It then slowly tightened up, regaining its initial shape just as a normal cock ring would. These gummies immediately shot up to the most practical item on the list. The tight ring combined with the decent flavors is guaranteed, just like Guy Feiri, to take you to Flavortown.
The HottProducts Unlimited Gummy Sutra sex position gummies were a treat for the eyes, but not the most pleasurable thing you could suck on. Packaged in individual clear packets, each gummy had enough detail to make a Catholic blush. We had Green Apple Chair Sex, Lemon Doggy Style and Leg Over the Shoulder Missionary that writer Ari Lauer-Frey reported as tasting “like red.” While having a gelatinous texture that was mildly off-putting, the gag out weighed the gagging.
While we were all a little hesitant to eat the ‘Sex’ brand Cherri Amore aphrodisiac chocolates, they were easily the most delicious treat we sampled. Editor-in-Chief, Andrew Benoit, asked the real top dollar question: “how do they get it cherry?” The chocolate itself is Belgian and has a standard ingredient list: cocoa beans, cane sugar, cocoa butter, and vanilla. The aphrodisiac ingredient list is a little less standard: ginkgo biloba, ginseng, guarana, Kava Kava, valerian, horny goat weed, dong quai, passion flower and Avena sativa, an altogether unique herbal blend. The employee at the Castle Megastore that sold these uncommon wares recommended taking up to three to feel its effects, but the directions on the package warn against taking too many. Would it be unsafe to take four or five? Maybe we should ask some freshman boys if it’s possible to be too horny.
Once you get over the initial oily texture of the Wicked flavored lubes you can really start to imagine the tasty logistics behind these slippery sweet substances. The candy apple flavor was “too intense to lick off a body part” Lauer-Frey noted, while Goble was getting notes of “medicine” and “the QuakerOat oatmeal packets.” While the peach was “surprisingly peachy,” according to Benoit, the mocha flavor had our team divided. Erin Hurley, Arts and Events Editor, liked the flavor, but mentioned a “bitter aftertaste.” Goble said it “smells like poo,” while Mercer Stauch, News Editor, was reminiscing of his time spent in Harry Potter World, comparing it to the “bad Harry Potter chocolate frog.” The mango flavor was dubbed the least egregious, and if licking a sickly sweet substance off your partner will make all your slutty dreams come true, flavored lube offers a body safe option. Foods like Nutella, whipped cream or yogurt can change the pH of vaginas, and can cause a bacterial yeast growth problem with whatever you’re packing downstairs.
There’s something in the air at Puget Sound Halloween parties. With the suddenly freezing temperature leaving you scurrying as fast as you can to the satellite frat houses and the yellow, orange and red leaves littering the sidewalks — you can’t ignore the whimsey in the air. These products are overpriced, but you could go the extra mile to make your partner feel special. With cuffing season on the horizon, everyone should indulge in an extra sweet treat.