By Emmet O’Connor
The world seems to be going wonky. Whether it is abnormal weather, the decaying state or international plagues, something seems out of whack. For many university students, the upcoming end of the world does signal one thing: an end to student loans.
If the world does descend into a fiery hellscape, there will be some comfort in the fact that no one will have to fill out a FAFSA application again.. One student that was approached said “it would be nice to not have to pay back my loans, but I’m not sure how my degree in art history will help me in the nuclear winter.”
Some students have already begun prepping for the apocalypse and we were able to catch one of them redeeming their dining dollars for non-perishable items at the logger store. “I feel like the world’s gone crazy, but at least I can use up some of my extra dining dollars on canned beans.” The pessimism was palpable. This student provided their reasoning, “Have you read the news?”
In the digital age, the onslaught of information is unavoidable and doom scrolling is endemic. But both of these facts have motivated some. A senior we talked to expressed their wish to change the world. “Most of the problems in the world would be solved if we just ebfueb feit ffnenfsbfsfsnfa” (Editor’s Note: we are legally not allowed to publish the rest of this quote).
A great number have embraced the end of the current global system as an inevitability. With this assuredness there comes a sort of bliss, “I hate paying student loans. If the world ends, who am I going to have to pay? The government? Phooey.”
The climate crisis is one of the many existential threats facing humanity today, but theater majors are excited for the costuming opportunities that the Mad Max-esque desert wasteland will offer. As one student pointed out “the theater department has enough pleather to outfit a whole legion of motorcycle riding road warriors.”
Business majors have already started working out how they would adapt their market oriented solutions to the environmental crises waiting around the corner. Some ideas proposed by the business students were the hoarding — and subsequent selling — of essential resources like gas and water, spiked baseball bat manufacturing and leather jacket peddling.
Most of the students we talked to were not concerned with nuclear weapons as being the ultimate end to humanity — except one. They were clad in a Grateful Dead tie-dye shirt and were playing hacky sack in the middle of the slab. Their conversation with us was interspersed with lots of “Hey man”s and “groovy”s. After we were done talking to them about the threat that nuclear bombs posed and the election of Richard Nixon they walked away and disappeared in a bright flash.
Potential time-traveling Vietnam war protesters aside, the general opinion of University of Puget Sound students was put most succinctly by one of our interviewees: “Get ready.”