By Molly Clement
You’ve heard that the big tree on campus is made of styrofoam, but did you know the mountain is actually a green screen? Back in 1985, the mountain was invented to spike tourism and raise property value in Tacoma, because the city was so aromatic everyone was beginning to move away. This is when the first ever green screen was installed in the center of the Tacoma Dome, a huge projector that was way ahead of its time. Speculations around Tacoma and at the University of Puget Sound have begun saying the mountain may be fake, because no one has ever been to the mountain and, more often than not, you can’t even see it. This is because the projector inside of the dome is so old and rusty that it rarely works. When it malfunctions, the city turns on all the smoke machines surrounding the city to create the illusion that it is cloudy in Tacoma, hiding the glitching projection of the mountain. The city itself could not afford to install enough smoke machines by itself, so anyone in the vicinity of Rainier is now required to have a smoke machine. This is regulated by the fire department much like a carbon dioxide monitor or smoke detector. These smoke machines have also increased the number of Spirit Halloweens in the area, specifically on the outskirts of the city and near the mountain, due to smoke machine sales blowing up. Rainier is now known as Spirit Mountain in the suburbs of Tacoma.
Since the mountain began to be projected the population in Tacoma grew in response, it is now the most overpopulated city south of Seattle. The fog machines have helped to de-escalate this population crisis and also keep Tacoma’s best kept secret safe. With the projector beginning to rust, and Tacoma’s population returning to unsustainable levels due to Puget Sound’s heavy recruitment of Californians, Oregonians, and Minnesotans, the city has turned to other attractions in an effort to lower the population. Government officials have elected to re-rebuild the Tacoma Narrows bridge by removing the trussed floor beams so the bridge can be destabilized by wind once again. This is hoped to simultaneously promote tourism, due to the novelty of a bridge that’s unsafe by design, and to encourage Tacomans to move out of the city (if they can make it across the bridge). This bridge reconstruction inspired Victoria Woodards, mayor of Tacoma, to bring back some of Tacoma’s old charm and character. She issued an executive order to have planes fly every three hours around Tacoma, spraying sulfur into the atmosphere to help restore Tacoma’s aroma. These planes can be spotted at all hours of the day right over the University of Puget Sound! The sulfur, in addition to adding to the Tacoman ambience, will cause acid rain: helping local gardeners control their weeds, and creating hazy skies with reduced visibility — further helping hide the failed projection of the mountain. Although the mountain may not be real, it does make a beautiful day for Tacoma residents who stuck around long enough to see it on occasion.