By Ishaan “fuhgeddaboudit” Gollamudi
Eric Adams, broadly known as the mayor of New York City and known specifically to regulars at [REDACTED] as ‘Big Eazy A,’ was appointed as the campus Sustainability Manager in a ceremony held in Schneebeck Hall. Initially well-attended, three-fourths of the audience vacated the auditorium within five minutes as Adams’ cologne permeated the arena: apparently six attendees seated in the “nosebleeds” also sustained nosebleeds due to olfactory overload. Our reporter was similarly incapacitated by the scent of Axe’s proprietary “Rawhide, Musk and Lavender” scent, but was able to transcribe Adams’s speech with the aid of a gas mask:
“On the heels of my administration’s many successes in the War on Rats, I am honored to accept this position to further our assault on the shameless and swagless filth lining America’s streets. Moreover, I am announcing a War on Mold, not just to clean up these streets, but because those punk-ass mold spores ruined my fine Turkish leathers; this is personal!.”
When pressed for specifics on his “tough-on-grime” stance, after air quality assessments determined Schneebeck Hall had returned to habitable conditions, Adams had this to say:
“See, I was out at Studio 54,000 with my associate and cabinet member Fat Joe, and they started bumping Lean Back, but me and him, we’re on the same clean-up-the-streets wavelength, so we started rapping Clean Back, and that was it. That was the moment.”
At this time, Adams started rapping a rendition of the Fat Joe song ‘Lean Back’ — every word except for “lean” was left unchanged. Attempted interruptions were fruitless.
After the impromptu concert, our reporters were able to attend the first meeting of his cabinet, preemptively equipped with gas masks. Controversially, Adams’s first move as campus sustainability manager was to dismiss all Sustainability Services Student Staff, and replace them with a three-person panel composed of Mr. Clean, a New Jersey homeowner named Tony “No Relation” Soprano and the Dalai Lama. When asked about the rationale behind replacing Puget Sound students with adults who have no existing affiliation to the institution, Adams responded:
“Now, now, now, don’t you question the credibility of my associations and confidantes. You ain’t coming for Clean, Tony, and Lama. Mr. Clean has been my style and fitness guru since the start of my political career, best believe he’s gonna help me clean up these streets. Tony Soprano, on the other hand, is my neigh— I mean, my consulting waste management expert. And last but not least, Mr. Lama is my spiritual advisor, teaching me the ways of rising above my haters: Namaste and so on, you heard? This is very clearly a crack team of strategists out here to make sure we win our War on Mold.”
At press time, a photo of Eric Adams, Mr. Clean, Tony “no relation” Soprano, and the Dalai Lama at a purported “ritual virgin sacrifice” to appease “the Great Bald Being,” prompting public outcry. Puget Sound protestors were specifically heard chanting “it’s not that we’re not also pagans, but this is excessive.” Mr. Clean has since resigned, belying an earlier statement wherein he claimed to be a devout Roman Catholic, and that any implication otherwise was heresy punishable by “whack upside the head with the papal scepter.” The “Dalai Lama” also revealed himself to be Turkish actor Çağlar Ertuğrul, who underwent plastic surgery to “resemble the Dalai Lama just enough to embezzle funds earmarked for the Tibetan embassy.” Ertuğrul later apologized and expressed that he hoped to “do better in the next round of samsara.” Eric Adams, on the other hand, tendered his resignation after attending a “white lies” party at a house known only as “Yellow Papa Smurf.”