By Emmet O’Connor
With election season upon us, Tacoma residents are gearing up to hit the polls and decide the future of the gritty city. With so many candidates on the ballot, voters may have a hard time finding the perfect candidate for them. Luckily, we secured an interview with one of the candidates that voters may know from his recent unsuccessful presidential campaign, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
He took initiative and started the interview by immediately assuring us that “It was a goat in that photo, I did not eat a dog.” He brought this up completely unprompted. When we returned to it later in the interview he just ignored it and pulled several crickets out of his pocket. He claimed that “these are my friends and they love me,” before stuffing them back in his suit pocket. We also tried to talk to him about what policies he would implement as mayor of Tacoma to which he replied “I would do things that you could not conceive of.” We later learned that his intention was to “De-Vaccinate” people.
Unfortunately for his new mayoral campaign, RFK Jr. was selected to join the Trump cabinet. When questioned about this he stated, “All of us Kennedys have doubles. My uncle and dad are on a beach in the Bahamas right now.”
We tried to dig deeper into the Kennedy clone issue, however it was hard to keep the interview on track because of the chirping that was emanating from his suit pocket. RFK wouldn’t give us the name of the island that his father and uncle were living on but he did tell us what it was like growing up with two RFK Sr.’s: “they used to run around really fast back and forth and then make me guess which one was my real dad and which was my clone dad.”
We then asked him if he had a clone to which he replied, “I HAD a clone, but I fought him to the death after he tried to sleep with Cheryl from Curb Your Enthusiasm.” We didn’t follow up on why RFK Jr called his wife Cheryl Hines, “Cheryl from Curb Your Enthusiasm,” because he was baring his teeth at us and snarling. We did, however, ask if any other members of the Kennedy bloodline had killed their clone and he replied “No, I have committed a great transgression against my lineage.”
Eventually, we were able to bring his attention back to the clone issue and he provided us with the history of how the Kennedys came to acquire clones. “Back in Ireland my relatives were alchemists who discovered an ancient lake. One of my ancestors plunged his entire naked body into the water and an exact replica of him exited the other side. For centuries it has been a tradition in the Kennedy family to return to that lake and plunge into the water naked.”
RFK Jr. then got up from his seat and said “I must go, my crickets need to feed.” He walked swiftly out of the room leaving a trail of organic material. He never commented on his policies or anything relating to his bid for mayor. When we reached out for further comments by phone we only heard a whirring and soft squelching before the line would go dead.