By Ishaan Gollamudi
Cannons rang out in the night air of September 25, 2024, as undergraduate members of the Pacific Lutheran University (PLU) ROTC marched down Commencement Walkway, intending to depose the current student government of the University of Puget Sound. The Trail later confirmed that this cannonfire was simulated for the benefit of the students rehearsing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture in the Music Building; the actual overthrow of the Associated Students of the University of Puget Sound (ASUPS), was entirely bloodless. In fact, although this military incursion was intended to interrupt an ASUPS Senate Meeting, there were no recorded casualties as only one of the senators was in attendance, and they surrendered immediately. Under the condition of anonymity and a free Trail t-shirt, the senator, henceforth referred to as Y, commented:
“Look, it’s not that it’s particularly impressive to overthrow a floundering government, but it’s impressive for PLU. They came in prepared to throw hands with the legislative, executive, and judicial arms of the government. Instead, they found me catching up on my assigned reading because none of the other senators showed up. If they care about governing this much, I mean, it’s more than we do.”
Y ended up serving as the sole witness to the dissolution of ASUPS and the subsequent establishment of the Lute-friendly Annexed Students Under PLU Supremacy government (ASUPS). This new ASUPS is modeled on the theories of johnlock, specifically the idea that “the constituency and the government must exist in as close of a physical union as possible, the Sherlock Holmes to the other’s John Watson, each providing what the other desperately needs.” To that end, the new ASUPS cabinet has officially relocated from the S.U.B. to the slab, where they intend to be “as physically close to the campus community as possible.” Thus far, three of their meetings have been rained out, and one of the senators was physically injured by a stray hackysack.
In spite of these difficulties, new ASUPS has achieved considerably more than their precursors, insofar as all vacant positions in the new ASUPS government have been filled. Concrete legislative achievements, on the other hand, have been stymied by the lack of institutional knowledge and record-keeping. Reportedly, the only record that the new ASUPS regime’s accountants were able to find of campus finances was a grease-stained GETMobile order slip for a burger with beef, vegan cheese, and secret sauce, with “money?” scrawled on the back in Sharpie.
Initially, the Combat Zone was concerned that the replacement of ASUPS with ASUPS would pose a significant threat to the integrity of our journalism. However, our journalists were assured that our operations would be able to continue entirely unabated, and that we retained our full freedom to speak truth to power, because “nobody reads the Combat Zone anyway.” It would appear to us, then, that so long as “nobody” reads the Combat Zone, we can operate with autonomy.
None of the senators in prior ASUPS were traceable, and whether they are aware of the dissolution of their positions and replacement of their government remains unknown.