By Molly Clement
The World Health Organization has recently released alarming reports surrounding a deadly new epidemic: bowling. Scientists around the world are calling bowling the new smoking. Here’s what you need to know. Using borrowed bowling shoes is rapidly spreading foot fungus, athletes foot, trench foot, and other unimaginable skin deformities. Bowling causes sped up decay of the muscles by 30%, as well as the bones and skin by 10%. Bowling balls have begun to transmit these diseases. Putting your fingers in the same holes as others is not safe or sanitary and has begun to hospitalize people of all ages. These victims have been found with ringworm, warts, and an unidentifiable goo seeping from fingernails and joints. Never put your fingers in the same holes as anyone else. Ever. It is disgusting. You don’t know who was there before, if they wash their hands, what kind of leftover mold or decay is left in these holes, and there’s no good way to sanitize them.
One study was conducted where 12 strong and healthy subjects were sent into a bowling alley for 3 hours. Every single one came back 70 percent weaker, incredibly skinny with a beer belly and with unexplained awful posture, although their forearms were disproportionately ripped. Each subject miraculously found a different ugly striped zip up shirt and was desperately in search of salted pretzels.
In an effort to nurse them back to health from this tragic experiment, these subjects were heavily sanitized and put into quarantine. While in quarantine they set up their beds in a lane, cups in a pyramid, and crumpled up tissues to knock the cups down in an attempt to simulate the bowling alley they desperately itched for, although in an environment a million times cleaner. In response, medical officials made the executive decision to initiate electroshock therapy, but subjects were unresponsive to the treatment. Their immune systems hated the clean air, and became allergic to it and, gasping for a full breath, and yearning for a sort of sticky musk in their lungs. They couldn’t take it any longer. 3 of 12 escaped back to the bowling alley and the other 9 refused any further treatment. There was no coming back from this. Subjects were tracked for 6 months after the study and each one was found either in a dingy bar or in the bowling alley at all times. Their muscles had deteriorated due to the uncomfortable bar stools, soda consumption, and strain of the elbow. The IRB has banned studies surrounding cruel and unfair exposure to bowling internationally, on the grounds that it is a far too addictive activity, and can harm individuals for life. These scientists have been thrown in jail for life, rotting along with Philip Zimbardo. If you or someone you know has shown any symptoms of bowling there is help available! Contact a professional immediately.