By Walter Marmite
Ubiquitous Instagram account @upsmissedconnections, a central online destination for the University of Puget Sound student body, was named in an antitrust lawsuit filed on Thursday, over perceived “monopolization of both on-campus communication and the libido of the student community.” The plaintiffs — the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), @ups.parties, @ups_sex_confessions, @ups.get.yo.freak.on, @ ups_tea_spillage, @ups_hot_person_sighted and @ ups_rate_my_professor_on_their_looks — specifically allege that @upsmissedconnections has stifled the market and made it impossible for smaller accounts who are focused primarily on promoting off-campus events, spreading salacious and unverifiable stories, or anonymously calling out freshman, to gain any traction. When contacted for clarification, a representative from the FTC elaborated:
“At the FTC, we’ve never seen a monopoly this oppressive until now. The stranglehold @upsmissedconnections has would make John D. Rockefeller blush! It makes Standard Oil look like a mom-and-pop shop! It’s, quite frankly, a travesty for the American economy and the American consumer that one instagram account has such an insidious hold on the market.”
A representative from @ups_tea_spillage further described the personal impacts of @upsmissedconnection’s dominance:
“All my life, I’ve dreamed of bringing people together. Forging bonds, joining souls, making connections! But that dream has been quashed, denigrated and disregarded by that godforsaken Instagram account, they’ve cornered the market and we’re fighting for scraps. But no more, I say, no more. By the grace of the Bull Moose, we’ll bust their trusts! Bully!”
Further inquiries into their praise of the “Bull Moose” revealed a sizable progressive community on campus. Though the student body is already largely progressive, these progressives are more closely aligned with the early 20th century progressive movement, and their members include most of the plaintiffs in the aforementioned lawsuit. Typified by President Theodore “Bull Moose” Roosevelt, the progressive movement heavily emphasized anti-corruption reforms and federal economic interventions to protect the consumer, which the progressive community on campus sees as the solution to modern sociopolitical issues. Moreover, the campus progressive community has a strong ecological bent: most progressives on campus are easily identifiable by their Blundstone boots, Cotopaxi backpacks and jackets, discreet REI tattoos, and insatiable predilections for backpacking. In fact, the original idea to use antitrust law to break up the @upsmissedconnections monopoly came to the community during a backpacking trip:
“We were out there, in the great wilderness of the President’s forest, commiserating about how corporate consolidation would be the death of American innovation, when we realized that that same principle also applied to Missed Connections. It used to be this hub of innovation, of connecting people who might never have interacted otherwise, in new and novel ways. Now, every post is about a missing hydroflask with a coexist sticker on it, a moderately attractive person sighted from 200 feet across campus, or a wastrel freshman perpetuating the vicious cycle of T/P property damage. This cannot stand, the gossip on this campus has been stagnant for too long, I say, too long!”
At press time, the progressive community had since been polarized over whether or not @upsmissedconnections and similar accounts should actively intervene in life on campus, and the broader Tacoma area, to promote scandal and intrigue and thus actively advance these accounts’ interests.The pro-interventionist faction of the community, whose members’ bonds have since deepened after discovering their mutual love for the late rapper DMX, has since begun to refer to itself as the “Ruff Ryders.” Members were also observed digging a canal between the University of Puget Sound and Pacific Lutheran University campuses, so as to “make Puget Sound a global epicenter in the trade of hot goss [sic].” It remains to be seen whether this division will impede their antitrust efforts against @ upsmissedconnections.