By Your Elected, and Frankly, Hurt Federal Representatives
Contrary to your misinformed and derivative opinions about us, we are not helpless geriatrics marooned in an increasingly digitized society; thank you very much. We are, in fact, quite hip to the latest newfangled gadgets you kids are glued to, and are more than privy to your little gibes about us on TikTok. You accuse us of being xenophobic fossils, but what you fail to understand is that we are investing in your future. Our single highest priority, as Congress, is the physical and mental welfare of America’s youth, and the most urgent threat facing our youth is undeniably TikTok. While we immensely appreciate how significantly it has atrophied your pesky attention spans, our attempts at banning TikTok are only a single piece of a larger political campaign. Put simply, we want to keep our domestic surveillance domestic. Just consider this: Is it really xenophobic to want your constituents to be perpetually under the watchful eye of friendly federal intelligence agencies rather than the sinister glare of insidious foreign actors? We’re doing this to keep you safe.
In fact, that’s why we purchased covert spyware for mobile devices from the same firm that made Pegasus! Remember Pegasus? Of course you don’t, and that’s just the way we like it. Our spyware can crack standard smartphone encryption and give the entity behind the installation full access to all of your data, which works like a charm when you’re trying to hunt down journalists (a.k.a. “truth terrorists,” am I right?). However, after we got caught, we realized Pegasus wasn’t good enough to keep our watchful eyes on you. That’s why we bought the spyware Landmark from the same company, the NSO Group, using a front corporation.
Landmark comes highly recommended, too, from our friends in Saudi Arabia. When we saw how quickly they dispatched Khashoggi, we knew we had to get in on that action; we spared no expense in procuring the finest spyware to protect American citizens. You’re welcome, by the way. That’s why we were so wary of TikTok to begin with, as we can only assume Chinese spyware is of the same quality as other products made in China. But apparently expressing valid concerns over the security of Americans’ data in the hands of the Chinese is xenophobic. Trust us instead, we can guarantee that we lock all the data we collect on you under the same level of encryption as our plans for the Ukrainian counteroffensive. They aren’t going to be leaked any time soon. On our honor and integrity as members of the U.S. Federal Government, you can trust us.