Combat Zone

Dave Wright actually runs entire school, new
report shows

By Grizz’s Toe

A leaked internal University report shows that Reverend Dave Wright, University Chaplain, is single-handedly in charge of all campus functions. The report, titled “Dave Can Probably Do That,” gives a detailed outline of the Reverend’s daily tasks, showcasing an impressive work ethic and a schedule that seems to defy time and space. 

Wright’s day starts at two o’clock in the morning, where he can be found retreating from the chapel attic to mow and water the University’s lawns. They then move to work in the SUB, cleaning from CHWS to the Cellar before the SUB opens to students. Every week, Wright curates the SUB menu to his preferences, his personal favorites being tater tot casserole and salmon.

At nine o’clock, the impressive Wright begins the bell-ringing cycle, in which he climbs to the top of the chapel and rings the bell every thirty minutes. They have even learned how to play the Alma Mater, which rings across campus at high noon, and a nondescript holy-sounding organ solo, which plays at five o’clock.

During my investigation, a student who wishes to remain anonymous disclosed that during a visit to CHWS for a sinus infection, their treatment was provided by Wright. On the topic, the student said, “I mean, it was cool, because I like Dave. It was just a bit surprising how much he knew about medicine.”

Wright’s work isn’t limited to the weekdays, though. On weekends, he dons the Grizz costume and a chainsaw at all University sporting events. Perhaps most surprisingly, the report revealed that Wright is in charge of lesson planning for every department on campus, from GLAM to Physics. A deeper dive into Wright’s background shows that they received the infamous B.A. in Everything Studies from Duke University, which until this point, was assumed to be the stuff of legend.

The news has taken the campus by storm, with many concerned about the health of Wright. Chaplaincy Assistant Micah Beardsley confided in me that he has seen Wright sleeping upside down in the chapel belfry. “I was closing the chapel for the night, and they scared me half to death. I guess it makes a lot more sense now that I know the truth,” he said. In light of the news, the University will be officially changing all building names to Dave Hall, causing panic and confusion among students. 

The Trail reached out to Wright for comment, but he was unsurprisingly too busy to respond.