Combat Zone

U.S. Government confirms that Chinese Spy Balloon biggest existential threat since Nuclear War

By Bean McQueen

In a press conference yesterday, the U.S. Government confirmed that the recently downed Chinese spy balloon posed an existential threat to the U.S. of a significance comparable only to nuclear war. The government stated that its weeklong passage over the country should be understood as a “bloodless rampage that simultaneously left property untouched and a death toll nearly above zero.” White House Press Secretary Denai Obfus-Kate, when questioned about what specific qualities made the balloon the most credible threat to U.S. national security in the past two weeks, cited the paradoxical nature of balloons:

“The balloon itself is made of rubber or latex, and it’s carrying an array of antennae, all of which are significantly heavier than air, but somehow it floats! How do you explain that? None of these materials should be able to float, but they can! If the Chinese government has figured out how to harness this paradox, then clearly their military capabilities have advanced far beyond our own.”

Press Secretary Obfus-Kate then described the shooting down of the balloon off the Carolina coast as the most critical military operation undertaken since Operation Neptune Spear, which killed Osama Bin Laden. However, when pressed for details on the nature of the data that the spy balloon allegedly collected, the conversation was abruptly shifted to the actions the federal government would be taking to dissuade further incursions on U.S. airspace, especially by spy balloons. As per the Press Secretary:

“The U.S. is more than ready to get this party started. Should China provide more balloons, the U.S. will strongly consider cutting into the yellow cake. Some may perceive this as extreme, but in the face of such paradoxical weapons, our responses must be paradoxical in kind. Hence, nuclear warfare is our most rational option.” It bears noting that the logician consulted to evaluate the validity of this argument had an apoplectic attack after hearing it; we wish them a speedy recovery

Interestingly, the global response to this newly revitalized threat of nuclear warfare between global powers has ranged from muted and resigned to actively celebratory. Sources within arms manufacturers Lockheed-Martin and Raytheon have confirmed that all employees were given a 15% raise and the rest of the week off in “anticipation for record profits that the U.S.’s response to the Chinese spy balloon will bring in.”

On the other end of the spectrum, many online expressed surprise that it had taken so long for the U.S. to start threatening nuclear war again and disappointment at the potential disruptions to TikTok that would likely follow such attacks on China. However, both sides of the spectrum did appear cheered at the possibility that the perpetual threat of atomic devastation would induce an upswell of “great music,” as was observed in the latter half of the 20th century