Combat Zone

Newly declassified documents confirm classified Document Fairy’s existence

By Bean McQueen

Newly declassified documents, found in the overhead storage compartment of U.S. President Joe Biden’s preferred Amtrak train car, have confirmed the existence of the “Classified Document Fairy,” so-described as a “mischievous entity that delights in bamboozling high-ranking government officials.”

Previously dismissed as one of the more creative excuses in circulation amongst legislative aides who misplaced memos, it would appear that the “Classified Document Fairy” is not only a fixture in our current government, but has been since the Revolutionary War. An unearthed diary maintained by John Adams, for instance, includes accounts of a “bright speck of light” zipping out of the Pennsylvania State House, carrying a roll of parchment. In swift pursuit, hordes of Second Continental Congress delegates were apparently screaming that “that blighted sprite stole [their] Independence Declaration!” As per subsequent diary entries, the fairy would steal the Declaration of Independence on three separate occasions, forcing the delegates to draft and sign a new one each time, before returning all of them the day after the Declaration was dispatched to King George III.

In the modern era, the fairy has reportedly been implicated in similarly malicious endeavors, including impeding the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election by supergluing chads to correctly-punched voting cards, thereby creating the hanging, dimpled, and pregnant chads that apparently derailed the vote-counting process in Florida. Additional interference by the fairy in the Bush Administration included reports on the potential meddling with national security threats posed by Iran. In this case, all mentions of “Iran” were amended to “Iraq.”

Interestingly, the consequences of this particular malfeasance appear to have been too much for even the Classified Document Fairy. In a change of pace, the extent of the Fairy’s trouble-making during the Obama Administration was falsifying an order for a tan suit. In fact, the Classified Document Fairy spent the Obama Administration branching out and exploring other avenues of nefariousness, including blowing out the candles every time Senator Mitch McConnell attempted to commune with the spirit of Newt Gingrich.

During the Trump Administration, however, the Fairy’s impact was severely diluted by the then-incumbent. This consequence is not only because the latter was unparalleled in his disruption of the normal functioning of the federal government, but also because for every classified document he glanced over, there were six takeout menus he pored over with a passion dangerously similar to carnal desire.

Moreover, while the election of Joe Biden did restore some degree of normalcy to the balance of governmental impediment, the current scandal around classified documents in the Biden Administration was apparently unintentional. When we reached out for a comment, the Classified Document Fairy conveyed to us, through the sparkles of morning new drops and the smell of ink on freshly gerrymandered maps, that they had been storing those documents in President Biden’s residence – documents that dated back to his time under Obama. The Fairy did this in preparation for what would have been the “pinnacle of [their] career:” gaslighting Biden into thinking that he was still V.P. Interestingly, the Fairy had nothing to do with the documents found at Mar-a-Lago; it would appear that Trump hoarded those classified documents because his name was on them.

was on them. Incidentally, the existence of the Classified Document Fairy has also settled the age-old debate over whether the U.S. government is malevolent, or merely incompetent, in favor of incompetence advocates. A formal statement from the federal government confirmed that the fairy has been allowed to operate unhindered for nearly 250 years because “if the Founding Fathers had wanted it gone, they would have done something about it back then.” As per one incompetence advocate, “no competent governing body assumes that because the body’s founders were unable to solve a problem, the problem should not be solved more than two centuries later.